Draco Malfoy and the Mudblood's Pants
by Harmonic Friction
Summary: "Nice present, Pans. Has it got a return policy?" I said angrily, holding out Granger's undergarment in what I hoped was a convincing imitation of disgust. Pansy shoved me. Hard. "Stop acting like a little worm and do something about your crush, you idiot," she screeched. (Raunchy comedy containing cruel!Draco, smart!Hermione, sassy ladies, bets, dares, and a few hidden twists)
1. Pansy's Present

**A/N: **Pervy, silly, crack. So help me, I'm full on into Dramione again. Reviews are **much **appreciated. (I'm not above begging on one knee.) And I own nothing here. Not even Granger's pants. *mope*

**Rated: **for raunchy language, perverted things, and ... well, it's a story about Granger's lacy pants... So! Consider yourself warned!

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Draco Malfoy and the Mudblood's Pants

_.._

"Draaaco," Pansy called out, waving around a slim black package, and threw in a lecherous wink for good measure. "Come get your Christmas present. I can't wait any longer." She wriggled around the common room couch in her fluffy black mink robe and posed with one leg over the other. Dramatic slag.

"Let's see it then," I responded carelessly, flipping through my newly finished essay for Snape's class.

"You have to come to me to get it," she said in a purr and spread out her legs a bit. Blaise let out a low whistle, and Millicent cackled.

I sneered at her and waggled my finger. "No way, no how. I'm not impaired. The next prank is yours to pull, Pansy, and I know that whatever you've got in that ruddy box is nothing I want."

Allow me to explain: Instead of celebrating Christmas cheer like normal humans, the Slytherins in my year had all decided that a Yuletide prank war would be more fun. Crabbe's tongue was still slightly singed. Blaise couldn't sit right for three days. (I'd tried to convince myself that these two occurrences were not related, mostly for my own sanity.) The closer it got to Christmas, the worse the pranks were getting and I'd surprisingly not been targeted yet. I'd figured it was because no one wanted to cross me until I realized that Pansy most likely wanted me for her own. She was often cross with me (probably due to the fact I hadn't asked her to go steady after the Yule Ball), and looked for any opportunity to be spiteful.

"Draco," Pansy pouted, making her squashed nose look more pronounced than usual, "you are really just too mean. It's nearly Christmas, and you won't even let _me, _your _oldest _friend, your _dearest _friend, give you a _Christmas _present."

I was attempting to figure out in what godforsaken universe Pansy Parkinson would be considered my oldest and dearest friend when Blaise posed against the couch and glared at me. "Get up, Draco," he commanded. "Unless you're scared of a girl. Which in that case, you know there's still room on my team."

He and Millicent caught eyes and laughed uproariously.

"Ah, c'mon! You're going to love it, Malfoy," croaked Millicent, flopping on the couch and landing nearly on top of Pansy, who made a face. "I know I would, if it were for me."

"You think we have similar taste, Millicent? That's the worst insult I've ever gotten. If you think _that _will convince me, you're barking," I said, staring back at my report but then I began to think about her words. I mean, REALLYthink. Millicent didn't like many things beyond beating people up and eating out any girl who she could get her hands on. I wondered if Millicent was telling the truth or taking the piss. In the case of her telling the truth, I just might like whatever was in Pansy's box. Despite myself, I looked back over at the couch.

Pansy leaned over a bit, her mountain of cleavage jutting out of her robe. "Come get it, Draco. I'm waiting."

I looked at her and cleared my throat. "Let me think, woman!" I snapped. You see, I was facing much stress and one BIG problem! I'd been very horny for some time—hornier than usual—but it was quite complex. It was _Unspeakable_, even.

Lately, I'd found myself wanking off to the thought of Hermione Granger, and not just in a rough, evil way though that'd be fun. I was wanking off to thoughts of her asking questions in class, laughing with Pottie and Weasel Head, wanking off even to the thought of her punching me in the face nearly three years ago. I figured it had to do with my task from the Dark Lord and that my very sick mind was playing psychological tricks on me to trip me up. Point being, I was broken and I needed a release and if Pansy was up for the challenge, I might just accept. She was generally available for bedroom frivolity and while I deeply loathed her, that didn't exactly put me off enough not to bonk her brains out if it meant getting my jollies. For the sake of Purebloods everywhere, I'd do my duty. I desperately needed to get my mind off the stupid feelings I had regarding one Mudblood Granger.

The other Slytherins let out cat calls as I gave up all reason and left my chair by the fire. "Okay, out with it. Let's see this special present. It'd better be good," I said in what I hoped came across as an annoyed tone.

"Heh heh heh," laughed Millicent deeply, and made room. Pansy patted the spot between them.

After hesitating, I sat.

Pansy leaned into me and kissed my neck, caressing my hair. "Merry Christmas to the sexiest boy in Slytherin," she said saucily and handed over the package.

"Second sexiest," Blaise interjected, with his hand on one hip.

"Shut it, Blaise. You'd count if you weren't a pouf." I rattled it and tapped it with my wand. It seemed alright. There were no spooky sounds coming from inside and it was light as air. I undid the bow on top and lifted it open. I did a double-take. Then I looked at Pansy, who was smiling like a cat who'd been at the heavy cream. "Pans…" I trailed off and swallowed. "Are these…?"

"Go on. See if you like them," she whispered, with a hand on my knee. Millicent was hanging over my shoulder, transfixed.

Slowly, I lifted out a silky pair of scant periwinkle blue women's pants. They were all lacy and cut in an extremely sexy way that, if on a person, wouldn't have done much good covering up the arse. The others who were watching reacted in either loud shouts or laughter. I cocked my eyebrow at Pansy. "You're giving me women's pants. However will I ever thank you," I said snarkily. "Honestly, Pansy—"

"They're not new," she said and bit her lip. "Go on," she urged, and pushed the pants close to my face.

The laughter died down as everyone, including myself, realized what she'd given me. My dignity restored, I gave the room a visual sweep with a rather arrogant expression and placed the pants to my nose, inhaling deeply. The sweet, soft scent filled my nostrils. I instantly felt my mouth water, felt my knees buckle in front of me. I looked at Pansy, who was still smiling that naughty grin.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I sneered, and tugged Pansy toward me by the tassel of her robe. "I want my real Christmas present! Let me up to your dorm and I'll bonk you silly, you slaggy little cow—"

"Oh, Draco," she said, and kissed my neck again. I felt my trousers getting tight, my heart pounding, and that was all I needed. Half to show off to the room and half because I was feeling slightly savage, I tore Pansy off the couch and attempted to toss her over my shoulder which was difficult because her tits and arse weighed more than my entire body.

"DRACO!" she screamed in that awful way I knew all too well and punched me five times in the back. "LET ME DOWN!"

"Your room, my darling? Or shall I clear these imbeciles out?" I grinned evilly. "Be quick about it, or I'll just undress here in midair—"

Instantly, the room started clearing out without me having to say anything. I have a very commanding presence.

Pansy gave me a final blow, this time in the ear. "DRACO, YOU SHIT. They're not mine!"

I dumped her back on the couch, where she toppled onto Millicent who very obviously tried to gaze up her robe. "What do you mean, _not yours?" _I hissed.

Pansy rubbed her sore behind, glaring at me. "Tricked you," she said huffily.

"Tricked me? By giving me a pair of girl's pants? Maybe you should trick me more often," I said. "Right-o, if not yours, whose?"

Pansy looked at Millicent. Millicent looked at Pansy. They both burst in alternately tittering and raucous laughter (I'm certain you can decipher whose laugh was whose).

"Did you—like—the gift, Draco?" Pansy asked breathlessly. "Guessing by how quickly you wanted to frisk me, I'm guessing you're all worked up over it—"

"Pansy, if you're embarrassed or something, get over yourself. Let's just shag and be done with it," I whined, adjusting my trousers where I was throbbing agonizingly.

"Like I would ever do that again," she snapped. "Once was enough for me. Your self-loathing is only captivating on your exterior, Draco. Call me crazy, but I need a less tortured man in my bed."

I clenched my teeth, still unbelievably turned on despite Pansy's blatant lies. I grabbed the pants and stared about the room. "Well, which of these little bints has feelings for me? I'd like to know at once!"

"Draco, dear, you've just smelled the pants of Hermione Granger," Pansy said and gave me a most sinister little smile.

Millicent, Blaise, Pansy and the few perverts who'd stuck around in hopes of seeing us shag dissolved into hilarity. I felt myself choking as I held the pants straight out in front of me, sticking out my tongue.

"You foul, stupid—"

Pansy was up in an instant. "You're intolerable!" she said, and grabbing me by the arm, she led me into the foyer of the stairwell to the dorms. "Look! Blaise heard you say her name on Monday night in your sleep. That's what gave me the idea for the prank. And Millicent's been shagging someone in Granger's dorm. That's how I got the pants. But I happened to notice you've been staring an _awful _lot in her direction lately. At first I was disgusted, but then I found it amusing and I decided, why not, I'd you an actual present—"

"Well! Nice present, Pans. Has it got a return policy?" I said angrily, holding out Granger's fragrant undergarment in what I hoped was a convincing imitation of disgust.

Pansy shoved me. Hard. "Stop acting like a little worm and do something about your crush, you idiot," she screeched. Oldest, dearest friends are the worst.

"What in the snakes am I supposed to do about it? She's a Mudblood! I'm a Pureblood! She hates me! I hate her!"

"You hate me and you just about shagged me willy-nilly in the midst of the common room like the cocky, messed up little wanker you are! Stop being a wimp about it and go find her," Pansy said. "Oh yes. I forgot. Your present is a scavenger hunt. Granger's waiting for you somewhere. She knows she's got a secret admirer who is holding her pants ransom—"

"WHAT?" I burst out but Pansy slapped me.

"Shut up for once, Draco. She knows someone's on their way and she's waiting. Go and have your way with her, if you can. If you can't, I'm going to prank you. For real. And it's going to be much, much worse," she said.

I glared at her, and tossed the pants at her face. She shrieked and then stuffed them back in my hands. "You need those!" she hissed. "That's how she'll know it's you."

"Blast," I said grumpily. "I'm the blazing Prince Charming of pants."

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**To be continued! **


	2. Cauldron's Bottom

**Warning:** If you didn't know already, this is a raunchy fic about pants, dares, and sex. Rating may go up to M for the last chapter, but for now expect T rated silliness and sex talk. Onward!

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Chapter Two: Cauldron's Bottom

..

"I should tell you," Pansy continued, wiping her hands on her robe, apparently to get the germs from the Mudblood's pants off of her. "You have three hours, and you have six special tasks to complete which will lead you to Granger. You cannot skip any of these tasks, and there will be a trinket you'll need to take as proof from each task so that I know you're not a lying little scamp—"

"You've gone from pranking to creating tasks? What are you, a Ravenclaw?" I quipped.

Pansy took me by the ear and pinched me. "Shut it," she said shrilly.

"Seriously, though, Pans. Your pranking talents would be better spent elsewhere- I see it now. I'm thinking you have a future in this—"

"Not listening," she trilled, releasing her grip on my ear. I rubbed it, making a face. "_Anyway, _you have to complete all of them before I'll let on where Granger is, that is, if you're too stupid to guess by that point in time. I've arranged a rather private spot for you to shag your brains out, and like I said, if you can't muster up the courage to ravish her, you'll have me to answer to."

"Wait! This is a trick. Granger wants nothing to do with me, and she'll likely refuse me anyway. That is, if I even decide I want to shag her," I said coolly. Slytherins are constantly trying to out-trick and best each other. I lived life on the toes of my fancily-clad feet.

Pansy rolled her eyes. "That doesn't count," she snarled. "I might be a raving bitch, but I'm not going to penalize you if the little dirty blood doesn't want you to fill her crevice with your tormented manhood."

"Yikes, Pansy. I hope that's not how you talk about me in mixed company," I grimaced. I paused again, trying to make sure she wasn't having me over. "As much as I know you hate me, and as much as I know I hate you, are you really beyond frisking me to the point of setting me on a Mudblood? I mean, let's pretend I _do _want to shag Granger, let's just pretend for a second… As my oldest and dearest friend, wouldn't you want to save me from the fate of becoming a Mudblood-Boffer? I mean, what's your angle here?"

She sniffed the air haughtily. "I'm bored," she said, "and your little attraction to Granger is the most amusing thing I've laid eyes upon all year. Granger makes your blood boil, and while I don't like her a bit, I do enjoy seeing you get your knickers all in a twist. It doesn't happen often enough. I'm not bragging, but I'd like to think I've got the best match-making skills at Hogwarts School and I could envision you and the Mudblood having some fantastic hair-pulling, aggravating wild sex. You're too prim and proper, Malfoy. You need to get your anger out before you go insane like your dear Daddy Demented—"

"My father isn't insane! And if he heard what you said—"

"Your father is in prison," Pansy reminded me sweetly.

"Well, my mother isn't, and just wait until I send her owl post that Pansy Parkinson is encouraging me to have sweltering angry sex with Mudbloods. She'd be really keen on passing that along to _your _father—"

"If you tell your mother that I'm encouraging you to have sex with Granger, then _I'll _tell your mother you've already had sex with two girls _and_ that you actually abandoned Prefect duties twice last year because some Ravenclaw Halfblood agreed to let you eat her out behind the statue of the one-eyed witch and WHO covered for you? Oh, right. That was dear old me," Pansy smirked, her eyes shining with malice.

"Oh?" I said, and pointed at her enormous chest. "Well, I'll just write to _your _father and tell him how you practiced snogging on a moving photograph of that dead blood sympathizer Cedric Diggory!"

"He wasn't dead when I did that!" she screamed.

"He's dead now!" I sneered.

"Well!" she snapped. "I'll tell your mother about the time you let me do a makeover on you and you said you felt as pretty as unicorn—"

"I WAS SIX YEARS OLD!" I shouted, and began breathing heavily. "Alright, alright. Let's just not tell anyone about anything, shall we? Now how in Salazar's cloak am I supposed to know what to do?"

"I'm going to give you the first clue, but then you're on your own," Pansy smirked. "Cauldron's bottom. Ta-ta, Drakie!" She giggled manically and sidled down the stairs, swinging her hips heavily from side to side.

_"Petrificus totalus!" _I shouted, and ducked away before she had a chance to be revived and have Millicent kick my arse.

..

"Cauldron's bottom," I muttered to myself. "What a _wonderful _clue. There are about a thousand trillion cauldrons in this damned school and they all have a bottom. How am I supposed to see under all of them?" I cursed Pansy loudly as I walked, attracting frightened glances from Hufflepuff first years.

"Hi Malfoy," greeted Daphne, looping her arm through mine. She, like every other girl in my year, thought we were dating.

"Can't you see I'm thinking?" I glowered.

"Oh yes, I know. You're going on Pansy's maze. I saw you leave the commons twenty minutes ago and you still haven't finished the first task."

"Don't rub it in, Greengrass. I've made you, but I can break you just as easily."

She squeezed my arm a bit harder. "You're thinking about it all wrong, Malfoy. It's not surprising, as you tend to go all over-analytical and obnoxious at the drop of a hat. Don't think about it so literally." She released me from her grip and then punched me in the shoulder.

"OUCH!" I yelled.

"That's from Pansy. Bye!" she said and disappeared down the corridor to the my left.

I rubbed my injured shoulder and paused, trying to think. How could a cauldron be anything but a cauldron? There was no one by the last name of cauldron at Hogwarts, so that was out. But "bottom"… Bottom. That rang a bell somehow. With hope in my heart, I took off running to the place where I thought I could find both a cauldron and a Bottom.

I opened the door to the Potion's classroom, where sure enough, Neville Longbottom was standing next to a large pewter cauldron.

"Longbottom," I said. "Cauldron's bottom?"

"Yes," he said, looking a bit peaked. "I was hopin' you'd show up sooner than later. You see, even with Snape gone, this classroom gives me the heebie jeebies."

"So this is it? You've a cauldron and your last name is Longbottom? Cauldron's bottom? Pansy's not as crafty as I thought. This is easy!" I smirked.

"She said you'd say that," Neville replied. "But the next clue is on my bottoms—" with that, he fished around into the cauldron and pulled out a pair of very wonky bright pants that dripped with blue nasty water. Longbottom tapped them with his wand and they instantly dried and fluffed out. He handed them out to me.

"Oh… snakes… Are those your pants?" I shouted. "Ugh! Get them away from me!"

"I washed 'em for you, Malfoy. You need 'em 'cause they have the clue!"

I made a face and snatched the pants gingerly. On the very center of the Y-fronts was a message in what I only could assumed to be Nerdville Lousebottom's horrific handwriting. I read aloud:

"_Seek out the onyx basilisk _

_and snog him the way snakes might kiss!_

_Then after you perform the tonsil dance,_

_remember Draco,_

_the proof is in the pants!"_

I stared at Neville in disgust.

"Don't look at me. Parkinson's the one who made me write it!" Neville shrugged.

"Still…" I trailed off and cursed him swiftly, making the word **LOSER **appear on his forehead. "That's for making me touch your pants, Longbottom. Now get out of here before I do worse!" He shuddered and ran out of the classroom.

"The… the onyx basilisk?" I asked out loud, tasting the words on my tongue. I made a face. "That sounds like a clichéd wizard porn name!" I paled even deeper than usual, suddenly understanding my fate.

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**A/N: **Thanks to those who have reviewed! I **humbly** BEG for more reviews. And to the lurkers: thanks for adding to alerts but who's a bloke got to snog around here to get a decent review? *lecherous Draco wink* **TO BE CONTINUED... **


	3. The Onyx Basilisk and the Snake Pit

**A/N: **If you really need to be warned about the presence of blokes kissing, then I may need to hold your hand throughout the rest of this fic. (Don't worry... I won't get too fresh.) Oh, and this will likely stick to a T rating. It does irritate me that M stories do not show up in the normal feed of the site, though I suppose I understand.

And thank you very much for the encouraging and funny reviews! It makes me more excited to update which you should notice I'm doing **EARLY. FOR YOU. BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.** Keep reviewing! I live off reviews! And you want me to live… _right?_

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Chapter Three: The Onyx Basilisk and the Snake Pit

..

"Onyx basilisk. Black snake," I muttered. "Oh gods. I have to snog someone.." I gulped and pulled on my collar.."Not just someone.. A bloke! I have to snog a bloke who goes by the name onyx basilisk. There's only one pouf in this entire school both barmey and ballsy enough to dub himself a name as pervy and grand as the _onyx basilisk_." This was a bloke who surpassed me in his level of vanity. This was a bloke who tried to get under my skin on a daily basis. This was a bloke who'd been trying to get me to play on his team since before Hogwarts, though I was too innocent to know such things at that time. This was a bloke who slept in my dorm, who tried to play footsie with me every dinner while Pansy laughed.

This was Blaise Zabini, ice queen of Slytherin.

I did not know exactly where to find him, but I did know where to begin my quest. Swallowing my pride, I headed swiftly to the _special _part of Hogwarts castle. The part that was only uttered in a whispered hush, or told as a dirty secret.

Obviously I'd never been inside, but I'd heard the rumors from Millicent and, yes, from Blaise. And just like in the legends, once I saw the large portrait of the nude warlock, I rounded a corner, veered to the right and stopped at a very narrow passageway. A tall, muscular Ravenclaw boy with light brown skin and dark hair was guarding the door. He regarded me with a small smirk.

I panted, out of breath. "I need... the snake pit," I wheezed. (I really needed to get back in shape for my task. It's murder trying to plot dastardly murderous plots, I tell you! Often one doesn't sleep or eat as much as one should want which doesn't do much for staying fit! I'd probably lost TWO stones just since last weekend. Pity me!)

"It's okay, handsome," he drawled. "Take a few breaths. I can wait."

I glared at him whilst clutching my stomach. "I'm not your handsome," I snarled. "I'm Malfoy, and I'm not one of you-"

"Oh, I _know _who you are," he chirped. "We _all _know. Honestly, we've been waiting for years for you to come 'round. Well, let us have the password, then."

"Snake pit!" I snapped, straightening myself out and stretching. I noticed his eyes wander down my body. "Eyes on my eyes, you pervert!" I said. I was in no mood for this sort of rubbish. I got enough of it every day in the dorms.

"Close but no chocolate frog," he said. "Come now, Malfoy. Think."

"Onyx basilisk! I need to see the onyx basilisk!" I commanded.

"Say please," he urged, with a smile.

"You're jumped up if you think I'm going to use any manners on you, you poncy Ravenclaw poufter!"

"Say please!" he barked, suddenly not looking very cheery anymore. He lifted up a fist as though to punch me in the face.

"Yes, sir," I bowed my head, my eyes widening. "Please let me see the onyx basilisk. He should be expecting me."

He motioned me forward with his finger and then patted me once on the head. "There, there, Malfoy. There's a sweet boy. Welcome to the snake pit." With a dramatic show, he opened a few locks and held the door for me.

It was more fantastical and foreboding than I ever would have imagined. The room was about the size of the Prefect's baths, and contained the same number of whirlpool bathtubs. But instead, it was set in handsome black marble, and portraits of scantily clad witches and wizards lined the walls. The stories were true: Hogwarts had its own secret gay bathhouse. My first instinct was to tell my father, but I remembered with a sigh that he was in prison. Then I remembered with a shudder that I'd happened upon his diary from the 1970s just this past summer, and he likely would be interested in funding a place like the Snake Pit (blech!).

As I gazed around the room, all thoughts of Father and other such matters cleared out of my mind immediately for in the center of the room on a jet black throne surrounded by underclassman brandishing fans was Blaise Zabini. He was clad in a full-bodied bathing suit of yesteryear, all green with a matching cut-off top and shorts. One of the boys popped a small peppermint into his open mouth. My own mouth dropped open. I wasn't gay- not a smidge- but I was jealous! _I _wanted to be the middle of the attention! _I _wanted a black throne! Where the _blazes _was _MY _black throne!?

"Hullo, Draco," greeted Blaise primly, putting one slender leg over the other. He sucked on the mint in a most scandalous way.

"Onyx basilisk_?" _I snapped. "Really?"

"It's a codename I created for the sake of Pansy's game," he replied, taking out a nail file and examining his hands. "Shall I just call you the ivory serpent? Being that you're likely jealous of my codename and all."

I rolled my eyes. "Please! I don't need a codename! Especially one as cheap as that. Though it's perfect for a little Nouveau riche wanker like yourself."

Blaise did not look up. He continued filing his nails with that stuffy attitude I so despised. "How do you like the snake pit?"

"It's not much," I snorted. "I see you have a throne and some servants. Like that makes you cool. But remember, there's only one Draco Malfoy." I tried to sneer but I just couldn't. I was so damned jealous I could have cried!

"Yes, yes," he said, waving me away with a flippant hand gesture. How dare he! "You told me as much this evening. In your words, I'd only count in terms of sexiness if I weren't a pouf. Isn't that correct?"

His gay little henchmen all posed dramatically and glared at me. I glared back. "Yes," I barked, "and I stand by my words! There's only one king of Slytherin house and it's me!"

"Oh we're all well-aware of how _great_ you are, Draco. But pardon me, dear... you're on my turf now. And my turf, my rules," he purred. His henchmen cackled adoringly. "Have you worked out the clue?"

"I'm not daft," I retorted quickly. "Pansy wrote it, and she's a lunatic who wants my body even though she can't admit it to herself. She also probably wants your body and she's sore you're a queer. So! She obviously wants us to snog, so let's have done with it! And then I've got to collect a clue to be on my way."

Blaise grinned, as his little cronies burst into laughter. He snapped and they immediately scampered off to pose by the baths. I was impressed. My cronies weren't even house-broken as far as I knew. I tried very hard to stop being jealous. "Well, come on, now. Give us a kiss," Blaise said, and sat up straighter.

"Ugh," I said aloud and braced myself. "Okay, let's do this." I sauntered toward Blaise, giving a backwards sneer at the gaggle of boys who cooed and shouted adoringly. Once close to Blaise I leaned over him and planted a very brief snog on his open lips. _Ew! _"There!" I said. "Done. Let's have your pants-"

"Not so fast, you cheater," Blaise said, and caught my hands, twisting them. I whined in pain. He snatched Longbottom's pants out of my satchel and read the Y-front. "Ah-HA! Just as Pansy told me! It's not just any kiss, you saucy boy! It's a _French kiss! _And don't think you're getting off so easily. I want a full on Frenchie with Draco Malfoy, or _I'll _add a prank of my own on you and you'll heavily regret that. Ahem! Creevey! CREEVEY!"

A twiggy, pale Gryffindor boy emerged from the gaggle of cronies. "Yes, Mr. Zabini! What is it?"

"Camera at the ready, I presume?" winked Blaise with a long smile.

"Oh yes!" the lithe boy squeaked. "Always at the ready, sir!"

I made a yelp of protest but Blaise clapped his smooth hand over my mouth. "Ah ah, Draco. If you don't kiss me correctly, this goes all over school. If you do a good job of it, you'll get the next clue _and _I'll destroy the evidence."

The Creevey kid looked downcast, but I gave a slight nod. "If it is what I must do, I shall do it. For the sake of heterosexual boinking."

"Draco, you're so odd. Shut up and snog me," Blaise said, and fluttered those girlish long eyelashes of his. To my horror, he patted his slim lap.

I winced, but Creevey gave me a shove impressive for a runt of his size. I basically fell into Blaise's lap and had to right myself. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?" I challenged. "I mean, I'm much more of a bloke than you-"

"Oh, you're just as Pansy said you would be... A self-hating top with a fear of losing control. Well, you've come to the right teacher, Draco. The onyx basilisk will take great care of you," he said smoothly and rifled his hands through my bangs, bringing his face to meet my own. I shut my eyes tight and grimaced as Blaise worked his long tongue into my mouth. After a few seconds, I quit acting like a three year old though I was still quite horrified. If I kept my eyes closed, I could pretend it was Granger.

_Nasty, nosy, annoying Mudblood Granger with her devil-may-care hair and her bossy voice and her perky little tits. Punching me. Slapping me. Straddling me 'til I flip her over and pull at her hair and wipe that know-it-all look off her brown-nosing face. I don't always get to be right but here, in this fantasy, I'm in charge. I snog her good and hard and my tongue tastes her lips, makes waves on the roof of her mouth… _

Keeping my eyes shut and my focus upon the thought of Granger, I kissed Blaise with a bit more courage and straddled his lap. As though I were a puppet working under his evil master's wiles, I opened my mouth and stuck my tongue into Blaise's mouth. He moaned and grazed my lips with his teeth. I could hear the Creevey boy's camera snapping from every angle as he tried to get our best sides. The gaggle of boys made noises of approval: catcalls and shouts. I could tell that I was a pro at this, just like every other thing I did. Blaise continued tonguing me and then smacked my bottom with a force harder than I knew he was capable of. The room erupted into hoots and hollers but not amused, I grabbed Blaise by his delicate wrists and pinned him to his chair.

"That was _not _on the agenda," I snarled.

"You never let me have my fun," Blaise simpered. "And I was only getting started. You're right, though. I just couldn't resist. But oh my, this is an intriguing position, isn't it?" he said, his long nose just inches from my own. "Pansy mentioned you enjoyed playing it a little rough with her, though she said it was tiring how you seemed to care more about keeping your designer robes clean-"

"IS ANYTHING SACRED?" I shouted, still holding Blaise fast to his throne.

"In Slytherin? Never," Blaise said mock-coyly.

I slammed him back so hard that I heard his head _whack _on the chair. Served him right! At once, Creevey and the rest ran to me and tried to grab me but Blaise shook his head.

"Hands off him, boys. He kept his end of the deal," he said, cracking his neck. "You're all dismissed. Go on and rub suntan lotion on each other or something."

His followers scampered off again to pose elegantly by the baths.

I glared, hopping off Blaise's lap. "I went through with it, alright! Now give me the clue!"

"Say please," Blaise said saucily.

"No," I said. "Never. Give it to me now."

"This is why I like you, Draco. You're very... erotic in how much of a spoilt dick you are," he clucked. "But if you're not having fun, I will not keep you. Unlike Pansy, I'm not much of a sadist these days, I'm afraid." He got up and walked to the side of one of the pools, where a heap of his clothes was folded. He carefully peeled out a pair of black silk pants that looked scarily like they were made for witches. I tried to put that out of my head. "Are you ready, Draco?"

I nodded. "At this point, nothing worries me."

Blaise raised a dark eyebrow and then unfolded his pants, holding them out rigidly against the dim candlelight. I could make out his loopy cursive, and I came closer to read aloud (and thank Salazar, they were better maintained than Long-arse's pair!):

_"As you know, dear Draco, Weasley is our king_

_But what you'll need to do is make his girlfriend's boobies swing!_

_On her bra is the clue that holds your fourth task-_

_Be corrupt, be sly, be sneaky. . ._

_because you cannot simply ask!" _

I cleared my throat. "I'm beginning to realize these aren't so much clever riddles as indirect phrasing of embarrassing ways for me to gather up peoples' pants and undergarments," I said and stroked my chin.

"Yes, well, better you then me. It's always good to see you troubled. You're a perfect picture of angst," Blaise said silkily, and placed his black pants very tidily over my left shoulder, like a little black flag. "Farewell, my ivory serpent. Be brave." He kissed his finger and pressed it to my forehead.

I made a face. "Gag," I said.

* * *

**To Be Continued! **

**Can Draco charm Lav Lav enough to get her bra?**

**What does Pansy have in store for him next?**

**Will he ever find the brainy babe Hermione Granger? **

**ALL THIS AND MORE NEXT TIME.**


	4. Of Lavender and Loos

**A/N:** This chapter gets a little steamy. I hope you enjoy it. With special thanks to my friend Rar for suggesting the fourth task, and of course thanks to all you followers and reviewers. Hot snogs and spankings to each and every one of you (with your consent, of course...).

* * *

Chapter Four: Of Lavender and Loos

..

I gave Blaise a very angry look before sticking his pants in my bag and walking briskly out of the Snake Pit, as his followers smooched at me. I had a mind to quit (Granger might have struck my fancy, but no sex was worth this level of humiliation), but I knew that if I did Pansy would prank me with something even dastardly than a pants hunt. Especially since that little slag now knew of my attraction to the Mudblood Granger. I hated Pansy, yes, but I knew she was also an evil genius and her history of blackmailing people was great and mighty. I set off to find that stupid little tart Lavender Brown, which I figured would be easy. The girl had only one volume: deafening-banshee-starving-elf-infant-murder-your- ears loud.

Just as I started out of the Snake Pit, the seven o'clock bell tolled. It was time for supper. As much as I didn't care about food, I knew I'd have no hope of ensnaring Lavender during a mealtime, which was her beloved Weasley's favorite subject. I wondered just how I'd get ol' Lav-Lav to stray from the Gryffindorks long enough for me to snatch her bra when I had a marvelous idea. I ran to the owlery to find a messenger so that I could send two very different messages to two equally retarded people. Having gotten that out of the way I was suddenly extremely inspired.

I strolled to dinner with a new skip in my step, and sat between Theo and Crabbe. "Good evening," I said smugly, spooning a very small amount of roast beef and mashed potatoes onto my plate. I needed my strength. "And how is everyone?"

"Well, don't you just look like the snake who ate the lion," remarked Pansy with a huge smirk. "Don't look so sure of yourself, Draco. The night's only just begun. And obviously, you don't care enough about your fate to be trying very hard with this next task. Don't get cocky."

"I've got it covered, dearest," I said through my teeth, my eyes on the Gryffindor table.

Pansy, ever watchful, turned to look as well. "What have you got in your mind, Draco? I'm always fascinated by the way you scheme. It's like watching a little white mouse spin on a wheel."

"Wouldn't you ever like to be surprised?" I asked, as a messenger owl flew in through the main entrance. Students covered their plates and ducked as he landed at the Gryffindor table and dropped two letters.

"Students!" yelled out McGonagall. "No owls allowed at this time!" The owl squawked at her and flew out as quickly as he came.

"Old bitch," I said loftily, stabbing a carrot with my fork. "Say, Goyle, pass the pumpkin juice."

Pansy's eyes widened with gossipy hunger. "Tell me!" she squeaked.

I took a tomato off her plate. "So, what's new, all?"

Blaise dropped in between Pansy and Tracey. "Didn't expect to see you here, Draco. I would have thought you'd be at work with the next task. Although I suppose we _did _work up quite an appetite."

"Wot?" grunted Crabbe.

"We were engaged in… athletic activities," I explained curtly, my eyes focused on Weasley, who was opening his letter, his face screwed up in shock. He mumbled something in Potter's ear, and they took off running out of the hall.

"Tonsil hockey," Blaise said primly. Tracey, Daphne and Millicent cracked up laughing.

"Wot's a ton sull hockey?" Crabbe wanted to know.

I slapped myself in the forehead. "Never you mind, Vincent. Your virgin ears couldn't handle the truth."

Pansy looked like a boiling kettle. "TELL ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS!"

"Ah. This is _just _how I like you," I sneered. "Much better this way than all high and mighty."

Pansy realized she'd better act uninterested, so she simpered and settled back in her seat. But her eyes were still glued to the Gryffindor table. I followed her gaze, as Lavender undid her envelope and smiled. She flung her hair behind her shoulder and stood up.

Millicent pounded the table with her enormous fist. "My special lady says you gave Longbottom quite a fright, Malfoy. Well done. HA HA HA. She wasn't very excited about it but I told her to take a walk on the wild side! Then you want to know what I did next?"

"Any other time, it would be the very first thing I'd want to know as your life is of utmost importance to me but as of now, I am busy. Forgive me, all. Duty calls," I said confidently and as soon as Lavender exited the hall, I made my way out.

"Okay, Malfoy! But next time I see you I'll tell you all about it!" Millicent called out.

"Hope you fail," Pansy snapped.

"Bye, lover boy!" Blaise waved.

"WUT'S A TON SULL HOCKEY?" Crabbe cried.

..

I made sure to be quiet as I opened the door of the empty Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Won Won!" came a breathless voice from the darkest corner by the Boggart cupboard, which rattled almost lazily. "When I saw you leave without me, I was so confused. But then I opened the letter and came here at once. If you wanted a moment alone, you could've just told me. Anyway, I've made my jumper into a blindfold, just like you asked."

_Dumb bint would do anything that Weasel wanted, _I thought to myself in amusement. I cleared my throat. "That's real great. Now remember, don't take it off. I wan' try somethin' new," I said in a very accurate impression of Ron's bumbling accent. I approached her, stomping my shoes around to sound more like a lout. Brown was standing against the cabinet and just as I'd requested, she was wearing her jumper tied loosely over her eyes, her back exposed to me. I could make out her dark purple bra, a dark strip over her curved back. Her light brown hair flowed over her shoulders.

"Oh Won Won," she whispered as I came up from behind, and put my face against her neck. I felt her stiffen under me, and she breathed heavier. She made to weave her hands around my backside but I pushed her off.

"No," I said. "You can't touch me. Only I get to touch you."

She sighed happily, and I breathed on her neck. Lavender had never stood out to me particularly, as she was both a Gryffindor and a ridiculous little idiot but I had to admit, her submissive presence was kind of hot. It wasn't often that girls just let me have my way. Generally in my experience, I had to make it a fight for the win and in the case of Pansy and Tracey, it was more about verbal battles and drama. To put it lightly, they were both bitchy enough to be able to put me in my place. I'd never had a girl who was willing to listen to me and do everything I wanted her to do. It wasn't exactly my fantasy but it was sort of turning me on right now. Plus, she had a gargantuan behind and I was into that.

I thought about how I wanted to do this. The most minimal effort would be ideal because it would prove how good I was at pleasuring ladies. That way, I'd be both impressive to Pansy _and _able to get onto the next task quickly, which meant fucking Granger even sooner which I was beginning to realize I desperately needed to do. I edged onto Lavender's backside and put my hands on her hips. I heard her breathe heavier and she stifled a moan. Very expertly, I lowered my lips to her neck and grazed her skin. She sighed happily, and backed her arse against my groin.

Taken aback, I grunted and gritted my teeth. Her large behind felt nice against my front. I grabbed her waist harder and bit her neck, then dragged my tongue to her ear lobe and breathed hard in her ear. She panted and whimpered, her body shaking mightily. "Kiss me," she gasped.

I'd never dreamed of locking lips with annoying Lavender Brown. My mind was saying _no. _ But my body was saying _yes. _ I tightened her jumper so that it had no way of falling down her eyes and I moved in front of her, my own eyes adjusting to the darkness. Her plump breasts were showcased in her brassiere. Her curved stomach was milky underneath, her little skirt just below. I brought my lips to hers softly and boringly, as I imagined Weasley might wish to kiss, but she clung to my waist and deep-throat snogged me with a fiery passion. I groaned in surprise, but continued kissing her out of need for her bra. _Just a bit longer. _I grabbed her arse and she squealed in delight. I was ashamed to admit my trousers were growing painfully stiff again. I tried to ignore that sad fact to focus instead on the task at hand.

I very expertly dragged my fingers down her chest, putting my hands around her neck. She breathed heavier. I scratched her chest lightly and flicked her nipples one by one, testing her.

_"Oh, Wonnie," _she said, and sighed again lovingly.

Quickly, I placed my hands behind her back and undid the clasp of her bra with a flourish. "Do you… er… mind if I keep this as a souvenir?" I said deeply, in a Weasley-like fashion.

"You can do whatever you like with it," she gushed. _Mad, _I thought, but I was very jealous of Weasley for an instant. I told myself to stop being so stupid and man up. I stuck the bra in my satchel, and kissed her neck again for good measure. I tried to ignore her boobs, which were firm and huge and luscious. I was throbbing with anticipation of getting laid. _Not here. Not with Lavender-sodding-Brown. _

"Thanks, love. I'll see you tonight?" I said, and made to take off, but Lav-Lav grabbed me by the shoulders.

"Are you insane? You can't leave me like this!" she said, and very skillfully placed my hands over her tits. She shivered and moaned. "Yes!" she screamed, her voice filled with desire. "Yes!"

I was somewhat horrified while still being quite aroused but I felt her up to seem in character. I had to hand it to the girl. While totally off her mark and scary, she had very nice knockers. Against my better judgment, I lowered my face to her right breast and sucked on her nipple. I felt that throbbing mass in my trousers shift against her leg, and apparently she did, too because she rubbed herself on it. _AHH. _

"Got to be going!" I announced, and adjusting my trousers, I turned away.

She cleared her throat. "Malfoy," she said loudly. "A word of advice! You're quite good at snogging but your hands are too cold and your biting is too jagged. When Won Won kisses, he leaves my core all oozey-woozey and I can't sit straight all night."

I stopped in my tracks and whirled around. "You knew it was me the _entire _time?" I said in shock.

She untied her jumper. "Obviously. Nearly everyone involved in this owes Pansy Parkinson something or other. I always thought it would be fun to snog you, Malfoy. You're such a bad wittle Slytherwin boy. And I know you've always fancied me ever since first year. I could tell you love my body. I _felt _it." She giggled and to my alarm, she slapped the front of my trousers.

"AHH!" I smacked her away, clenching my teeth. "I never," I said sharply. "Your tits were sub par and I was bored!"

"You're a bad liar, and a very baaaad boy," she said, and her boobs jiggled.

I winced at her voice, but my eyes followed her chest. _Ugh! _ "I've got to be going, Brown. I have matters to attend to."

"Oh, but you must read my clue. It's the best one. It's very… _dirty," _she said, and ran her hand down her skirt.

I swallowed hard. I hated to admit it but Lav-Lav knew how to drive a man insane. If only she'd cease talking long enough! "Fine!" I said, but my normal level of snark was gone and my voice came out in a high pant. I felt my trousers pulsing strongly with want. If I didn't get laid soon, I knew I'd die.

I cleared my throat, taking out her bra. Written in neat handwriting was the clue.

"Oh bloody hell! Pansy! You cow!" I yelled.

"Here," Lavender offered, and she read the fourth clue aloud in a terrible sing-song voice:

_"Get thyself to the Quidditch pitch_

_Where you'll race a Ravenclaw bitch_

_And if it so happens the snitch you catch_

_She'll hitch up her skirt so you can snitch her snatch-_

_(remember to bring her panties back!)." _

"A Ravenclaw? Not Cho Chang," I said, and my hard-on throbbed excruciatingly. Screw Pansy. Not only was Chang a highly talented seeker, but Pansy was also well aware that I found her striking. This was definitely Pansy's way of making me suffer as much as she possibly could. The pain was unbearable. I checked my watch. It was a quarter past seven. I had until nine to collect all the clues. But I definitely wasn't going to go to the Quidditch pitch like this- no way. Riding a broom with this sort of discomfort would be highly impossible, not to mention I'd be far more likely to do something stupid and waste time. "Right," I said, "I need the loo. Say hello to your precious Won Won for me."

Lavender flew at me and hugged my waist, burying her face in my chest. Her boobs pressed into me. "Good luck, Malfoy," she gushed.

"Get off me," I scowled and shoved her away. With that, I took off running for the nearest bathroom.

Peeves the Poltergeist suddenly appeared above my head and cackled. "Ickle Malfoy, you nasty boy!" he hooted. He zoomed after me, shouting "BOING BOING BOING!"

I reddened and quickened my pace, darting into the lavatory as quickly as I could and shutting the door. I sighed loudly and selected a stall. _Be quick about it, Draco, _I told myself. _The quicker you get out there, the faster you'll get to Granger. _I unzipped and envisioned my lips against Hermione's and my hands on her body. Moaning quietly, I quickened my pace and thought about sticking my head between her legs. That was all it took. I made a strained face and cried out sharply, leaning against the wall of the stall. My body convulsed and I sneered deeply. That was better. Much better. Now I'd be able to focus.

"Hope you were thinking about me," came a soft voice. I looked down into the toilet bowl, where Moaning Myrtle was perched and wearing a very scary expression of adulation.

"TWISTED SNAKES!" I hollered, zipped up, cursed as my pants got stuck in the zipper, un-zipped, fell out of the stall with my trousers around my arse, righted myself, pulled my trousers up and ran out of there as fast as hell could take me.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it never ceases to astound me. This entire school is filled with wanton perverts who love me too much for their own good!

* * *

**A/N: **Alright, what did you think? Review! Review! (Please. *earnest face*) I'm getting so overcome with lust and anticipation and I'm not even about to shag Granger. Waah.


	5. Snitch Snatch Snatch Snitch

A/N: Thanks to Rar again for brainstorming with me regarding this task and to Tobiume for giving me helpful feedback. Oh and of course a big thank you to you reviewers/followers! (Pants for all! And to all a good pants!)

* * *

Chapter Five: Snitch Snatch; Snatch Snitch

..

I got to the Quidditch pitch just as the clock tower chimed eight o'clock. I had one hour to complete my last three tasks. It was dusky and there was a heavy chill in the air. The bleachers were all lit up and, sure enough, I could see Cho Chang standing in the middle of the field with her arms crossed. A light layer of snow had accumulated on the ground and my boots crunched and squelched as I walked, my head held high with a strong sense of duty. I was like a horny little soldier going into a battle for the sake of my groin.

Jeers and whoops sounded out as I crossed the field and with surprise I looked into the stands. Pansy, Millicent, Parvati, Blaise, Daphne and Tracey were seated in the front bleachers.

"What's this all about?" I shouted. "This isn't part of the plan."

"You need a judge. He's arriving soon. I also brought you an audience," Pansy called back. "After all, you always do like to show off. Show us what you're made of, Draco!" The little crowd tittered. I flipped her off.

Cho Chang looked up at me.

"All right, Chang?" I nodded, with a sneer.

Her almond-shaped eyes were unhappy, and her face was worked into a stony expression. "Enough with the formalities," she said stiffly, and she shifted her feet in a way that suggested either impatience or nervousness.

I heard a voice from behind me and was instantly aware of Pansy's plans. "Sorry I'm late, Cho! I got an anonymous owl that said Hermione was trapped in the fifth floor broom cupboard and she's been missing all night so Ron and I went to investigate. I should have known it was a joke though as it was signed _"Love, Voldemort"_. So what's this all about— what the hell are _you_ doing here, Malfoy?"

I turned and chortled. "Evening, Potter. My, my! Your life certainly _is _the very opposite of dull. However do you find time to do normal things like take a pee or breathe when you're constantly off rescuing helpless people?"

Potter looked befuddled. "Cho, what's he doing here? What is this? I got notified there's a Quidditch emergency?"

Chang bit her lip. "Harry, I'm sorry. It's Parkinson—"she gestured to the bleachers where Pansy waved pleasantly. "She's behind this. She has an entire book full of rumors and information. She knows everything about everyone in this school."

I nodded solemnly. "It's true, Potter."

"And she's blackmailing me," Chang went on. "I have to go through with it, Harry. Malfoy and I have to have a race for the snitch and if he wins… well…" She blushed deeply, her cheeks a raspberry tone of brown, pretty like polished wood. "You'll see. Oh, Harry! It's awful." She sniffled.

"For all that's holy, don't cry," Potter commanded her. I cracked up laughing. And they call this arsehole a HERO! Chang glared at the both of us. "Er… What I mean is, you don't have to do whatever this is! Let's leave right now!"

"Leave and your social life is over, Ho Chang!" Pansy yelled. "Your choice, my sweet!"

Chang balled her fists and set her jaw. "I have to do this," she said, and faced me with a look of serious determination. "You're to toss the snitch, Harry."

"I don't think we should go through with this!" Potter said.

"No one asked your opinion. For once," Pansy shot back at him.

Parvati stood and walked out to the field, handing Cho a school Cleansweep.

"Parvati! What are you doing here?" Potter said, a little louder.

She shifted her eyes from side to side and did not reply. Millicent crossed over to me and handed me a school broom as well. She put her arm around Parvati's shoulder. Ah, so _this _was her lady friend of the month. Well, snakes. Parvati was very good-looking _and _a twin! I was distracted by the crappy broom and thus didn't have time to be jealous, otherwise I would have gotten very upset.

"A Cleansweep? Never," I snapped. "I only ride the finest brooms—"

"Come off it," Pansy said. "It's to be fair!"

I grumbled, but readied my broom, which already seemed a bit off. The handle was all wonky and the bristles were frayed. "No doubt you're used to riding cheap brooms," I whispered to Chang. "You might have an unfair advantage."

She grimaced but held my gaze and steadied herself. Parvati handed Potter a golden snitch and he raised it up in the air.

The group of students watching broke into cheers.

"One… two… You really don't have to do this, Cho—"

"Stuff it, Chosen One!" Millicent yelled.

"Three!" Potter announced, and tossed the snitch high into the air where it paused about ten feet above our heads and then zoomed down the opposite side of the field.

Instantly, I kicked off and began the chase at once. Chang was in the air at the same moment as me and as was my custom, I kept watching her out of the corner of my eye to see what she was going to do. She seemed to know which way she was going to go to follow it, and she sped through the sky, zooming ahead of me in the direction of the lake. I pulled forward, leaning into the broom and gripping it strongly. I felt the wind whipping my bangs and Chang's skirt was billowing up over her arse. I tried not to be too distracted and ducked into a dive as I noticed the glint of the snitch moving back across the field. We zoomed over the heads of the onlookers. Pansy shrieked loudly. It was difficult to see but the snitch seemed to be hesitating over the quaffle goal. Chang increased her speed, and the snitch glittered and zoomed downward. I braced myself, gritting my teeth and leaning back. Chang flew in beside me. I bumped into her brutally.

"Play fair!" she hollered.

"Why should I?" I grinned, and kicked into the broom.

"MALFOY! MALFOY! MALFOY," chanted my friends in unison.

The snitch was only meters away. We grappled, both wanting to be the closest, struggled to coexist in the air. And then suddenly, it seemed so close. It was right in front of us as we dipped downward toward the snowy ground. I saw the hunger in Chang's eyes. Just as it was nearly in my hands, the end of my broom dragged on the ground and I tumbled off, face-planting into the freezing sleet. "No!" I yelled, landing hard. I heard hollering and stomping in the bleachers.

When I looked up seconds later, expecting defeat (_and what would that bring?_), I saw that Chang's broom was on the ground and she was hopping up and down. My first thought was that she was celebrating. But then I noticed she was fanning out her jumper.

"It's stuck!" she cried out.

Potter ran to her side but Pansy stood up. "Do not interfere!" she said shrilly. "It's between them!"

I scrambled out of the snow and hurried over, instantly noticing the bulge of the snitch in Chang's jumper. Thinking fast, I slid on my knees in front of Chang, my head level with her torso, and reached up her lean stomach just as she shook out her bra. Expertly, I reached up and nicked the snitch out of midair.

I clutched it in my hand, pumping my fist with it and sneering with mischievousness.

"I won! I WON!" I roared.

Pansy and the others screamed with excitement. Potter's mouth was hanging open. Chang clutched her arms over her jumper, her eyes wide.

"It was on my person!" Chang protested. "I had it!"

"I won," I snapped. "Fair and square, you frigid bint!"

"You wouldn't know fair and square if it bit you on your bony bottom!" Chang howled.

"Silence!" Pansy screamed, and sauntered out onto the field. "I need silence!"

Blaise and the others settled down instantly. Patil, Chang and Potter regarded the two of us with apprehensive expressions. They were beginning to see how things went down in Slytherin.

"Potter, I'm a bit foggy on the details of Quidditch play. But as far as I know, Malfoy technically caught the snitch, didn't he?" Pansy asked, a hand on her enormous hip.

Potter gritted his teeth, meeting Chang's eyes briefly. "Not exactly! He accosted her! He got into her BUBBLE!"

"I didn't accost her! I didn't touch anything! I just touched the snitch!" I argued. "You caught the stupid thing in your bloody mouth—"

"It was MY OWN mouth!" hollered Potter, getting in my face. I could see the rage in his scary green eyes.

"Right, and say I happened to put my hand out in front of your mouth and you'd spat it into my palm. I would have caught it then," I asserted.

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Harry!" Chang urged. "Calm down!"

Potter was wheezing maniacally.

"Well, that's good enough for me," Pansy grinned. "Chang, you know what you must do next."

Potter looked like he was about to start foaming at the mouth. "AAAARRGHH! I HATE SLYTHERIN LOGIC!" He went for his wand but Millicent tackled him, sitting on his chest.

"GET OFF! GET OFF! RUN, CHO, SAVE YOURSELF!" shouted Potter.

"Harry! Stop," Chang said, actually sounding irritated this time.

Pansy giggled with delight. "Come now, Potter and take a seat with me. I want you to enjoy every moment of this." She snapped her fingers and Millicent picked Potter up by the scruff of his neck like a rag doll. Pansy wrapped her arm around his back and led him to the seating area, sending me a wicked smile behind his back. Potter struggled, and the two girls made sure to hold both his arms so he couldn't budge.

I turned to face Chang. "Well, that was an excellent bout of foreplay, don't you think? But I'm interested in my prize."

"You're ghastly," she said. "But I agreed to do this." She looked at the bleachers. "I'll be right back with my damned pants." She wheeled around, but I caught her by the elbows. Despite her athletic arms and boxy shoulders, she was very small and delicate in my grasp. Her head came up to my shoulder and her ink black, shiny hair smelled sweet like strawberries.

"No way, no how," I whispered throatily into her ear. "That wasn't the clue. I have to get them myself."

She shivered, and I knew it wasn't just because of the cold. "I hate you, Draco Malfoy," she said.

"The feeling is mutual, Chang." My heart beat quickened and I tossed a glance toward the onlookers. Potter's brows were furrowed and he was leaning forward. Suddenly, I was filled with a very strong desire to make this moment into a spectacle. I knew that Potter and Chang had tried to be a couple last year. I had been angry and resentful at the time given that Potter should never be allowed to date a hotter girl than I could get but like everything else he cocked that up famously. Chang was one of the most attractive girls at Hogwarts, and she'd been with two blokes who I had been in direct competition with (of course, Diggory died so I won that rivalry! HA!).

After sending a sneer directly at Potter, I brought my hand to her cheek, and very lightly ran my nail across her face.

She shuddered slightly, biting her lip. "What are you doing?"

"Taking you to the dark side," I said in a low voice. "Honestly, have you ever been snogged properly or has it been all rainbows and lollies and love poems?"

"You don't know how to do anything properly that you can't purchase," she said, staring me down.

"Ooh, very saucy," I replied, "but you didn't exactly answer my question. No matter. Actions speak louder than words, despite what they teach you in Ravenclaw tower." I grabbed a handful of her hair and leaned into her face, my nose rubbing lightly against her nose. My lips very nearly touched hers and she scrunched up her face, shut her eyes, waiting. I paused, smirking at her. Her eyelids fluttered open.

"If you're going to do it, be done with it," she said, but her voice was quiet and breathy. "If you even can."

I tugged her by her hair and met her lips with my own, tasting her mouth. She kept her lips set, but her posture loosened. Millicent whistled, and several of the others shouted their approval. She broke off the kiss and closed her eyes but when I brought my lips to hers a second time, she opened her mouth and kissed me softly. I pressed my forehead to hers, and dragged my head slowly over her face, drug it past her neck and made soft imprints there. I continued trailing down her body with my face, stooping lower and lower, my forehead softly rubbing down her small breasts and heart chamber, her stomach, hips, thighs. I kneeled on the ground, hardly noticing the cold of the snow. I gazed up at Chang, and she looked down, wearing a look of curiosity. I stared up her skirt and could see her white pants right there at the top of her pair of tanned, thin legs.

Leaning forward, I lifted my head toward her skirt and hitched it up. Chang was breathing hard and quivering. Very leisurely, I snaked my head underneath her skirt and little by little got closer to the band of her underwear. At once, I grasped the top of her pants in my teeth and pulled them down, down, down. I made sure to get a glimpse of her privates as I dragged her pants down her thigh. I very much wanted to give Chang more of a preview of what bedding me would be like but there simply wasn't time. Her legs wobbled as I pulled her pants past her knee, my hands on her bum. Once I reached her lower leg, I ceased in using my mouth and simply pulled her pants over her shoe.

"Brilliant, thanks," I said. My friends erupted in cheers.

"WHAT IN THE BLAZES?" screamed Potter, gnashing his teeth and fighting to get free.

Chang looked at me, and then at the bleachers. She looked at me again. "Malfoy," she said breathlessly. Her lips were open and she was leaning toward me.

I stared at her with a thin smirk. "Yes?"

Her expression suddenly morphed into a small smile that kind of made me fear for my life. "Have fun with your next task," she said. She took off, holding her skirt to her behind as she sped away.

Immediately, I looked at the white, tomboyish pants in my hands, but I could not even make out the first word in Chang's tiny scrawl before Potter flew at me like a possessed Cornish pixie and knocked me into the snow. He put his hands around my neck. I screamed and slapped him repeatedly in the face.

"Huzzah! They're finally _brawling_!" I heard Blaise shout somewhere from above us. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life!"

* * *

**Will Potter wound Malfoy's flawless body?**

**WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE NEXT CLUE?**

**And most importantly: Will Malfoy EVER get laid? **


	6. Dumble's Drawers

**A/N: **I'll put out another warning before I officially do it, but prior to the last two chapters this fic's rating will go up from T to M. While I'd like the story to still pop up in the regular feed, it would be dishonest for me to keep it at T. I'm nearly finished with the entire fic, and the last 2 chapters are very, very steamy. I've been on this site a long time and I'd like to adhere to the rules - which means, rating a fic as accurately as possible. While I think some fics of a smutty nature can slide for T, this one will not. So please take this time to add to your alerts/favs to bookmark. Once again, I will do another warning before the rating officially changes. Thanks to all! Skimpy gay boy pants being tossed in yo direction! pants 4eva.

* * *

Chapter Six: Dumble's Drawers

..

"I'm DYING!" I bawled. "HELP ME!"

"AAAAAAARRGHH!" Potter yelled, still choking me.

I managed to flip him over and held his wrists to the ground. "You crazy Halfblood duffer! You'll never win against me! I'm a Malfoy! Ha ha ha!"

Potter immediately pinned me again and stuck his wand to my neck, breathing hard. Pansy screamed.

"Please spare me! Please! I didn't mean it!" I yelped, shutting my eyes and cringing.

Seconds later, Millicent tore Potter off me and held him in her muscular grip.

I stood up and brushed myself off. "You didn't have to do that. I had it covered," I said in a composed voice.

"Waaah," Blaise whined. "You spoil everything, Mills. Bet you wouldn't have broken it up if it were two slags-"

"Damn right I wouldn't have," Millicent grinned deviously. "I would've jumped right in. Heh heh heh."

"Let me back at him!" Potter hissed, struggling to get away. "How dare you touch her that way! Malfoy, you're worse than I thought!"

"Well, at least my parents aren't dead." I cocked my eyebrow at his wounded expression. "Oh Potter, you take yourself so seriously. I mean, look at it this way: I warmed her up for you."

"She didn't want any of that," Potter hollered.

"Actually," Pansy cut in, "she knew just what she was doing. This scavenger hunt is set up in a _very _specific way. Chang had a say in what they had to do to get off my bad side. She paid her debt, and had some fun in the meantime. It's not my fault your ex girlfriend is into public humiliation. Too bad you couldn't excite her, Potter! That's right! I know ALL about what happened last year!"

Potter blanched, then looked again like he might murder. Instead he broke out of Millicent's grip and took off running in the direction of the Forbidden Forest—crazy, broken berk, that one! I tried to laugh but I was wet from all the snow and somewhat put off by the suggestion that Chang had gotten off in a perverse way to our exhibition. What if she had _used _me? Used Draco Malfoy! Me! I tried to put that out of my head. It was much too disturbing to consider.

My friends all ran to my side as I dried my clothes with a simple spell.

"Are you okay, Draco?" wailed Blaise, fixing my hair.

"Nice job on Chang," Millicent said with a deep laugh and punched my shoulder. I winced.

Pansy was all smiles as she clung to my arm. "Yes, Draco. Nicely done. You really surprised me. I've been worried for you this year. You've been so sorrowful lately I was afraid you lost your bad boy touch." She leaned her head against my shoulder.

"Not in the least," I said, sniffing haughtily. "That was quite invigorating. Now onto the clue."

"Oh," Pansy said, suddenly sounding less excited. "Right."

"What?" I asked, giving her a Look.

"Nothing," she said. Her big blue eyes filled with misery. "Go on, then."

"_What?" _I demanded, and nudged her head lightly with my elbow.

"Dickhead!" she shouted and shoved me. "Nothing!" But I noticed she was blushing.

"Pans. Did you like seeing what I did to Chang?" I asked her, cocking an eyebrow.

She tried to purse her pouty lips into a frown but I could see she was masking a smile.

I grinned deeply and folded my arms over my chest, puffing it out. "Admit it, Pans. You're rethinking your life choices and realizing that you miss having an angst-ridden man in your bed."

Pansy released my arm. "No… Okay, YES!" she said. "Don't get all smug but…" She trailed off and then stood on tiptoe, swiping her hand through my bangs and leaning in my ear. "All I could think about was when you did the same thing with my pants last year. Remember? Except _I _didn't run away, did I?" She fluttered her long, dark eyelashes.

"Ugh, seriously, Pansy?" Tracey snapped, and headed off toward the castle, clearly jealous. Who could blame her, really? Tracey and I had broken up during summer holiday. She said it was because I was morose and spoilt, and that I made too many unkind jokes about her and her family and her hobbies. But I knew that the truth was she knew deep down I'd never adore her quite like the way she adored me. Poor girl!

Millicent and Parvati followed suit but rather than looking annoyed they looked like they were about ready to jump each others' bones. Only Blaise and Daphne remained.

I considered the prospect of taking Pansy back to the dungeons and letting history repeat itself. On one hand, I'd be done with the clues and I could get shagging out of the way. But on the other, Granger was the reward I really wanted to win. My mouth had been watering for her all month (if I did some deep psychological introspection, probably since second year), and though Pansy would be an easy lay I'd already had her before. Plus she was all kinds of barmey.

We'd messed around a bit over the years when our parents weren't watching (literally- Mother and Father would turn around and I'd use the opportunity to goose Pansy good and hard), and had continued to experiment while at Hogwarts. We'd officially shagged last year because we decided when we were thirteen we'd lose our V-card to each other in Year Five if we hadn't done so already. At the time, Pansy had said I was alright but that she found my intensity disturbing and she needed to branch out. Lies. Of course, I'd always known this moment was going to happen—she'd been desperately smitten with me since we were children.

"Don't go all mushy on me, Pansy," I told her, snapping back to reality. "And don't worry. You don't have to rethink anything because I'm not going for you. Sorry, love. You can spend the night wondering why you ever refused Draco Malfoy in the first place but in the meantime, I'm going to finish this up." I looked back at Chang's pants.

"Really, Draco?" she asked quietly. "But Granger's not going to know you like I know you. Nobody does. Not that stupid Ravenclaw from last year. Not even Tracey." She pressed her voluptuous form to me, kissing my lower lip and wiggling her behind.

I stared at the night sky and sighed. "Come_ on, _Pansy. You had your chance earlier."

"But Draco," she said, and ran her hand down the front of my trousers. "Draco… Come back with me. Please?"

I moaned inadvertently. "And what? The whole thing's off? We get to have feral sex _my _way and I don't have to hear about pants or pranks ever again?"

"Well…" Pansy trailed off and cleared her throat. She held my waist and put her mouth to my ear. "Come back with me," she said again softly. My spine tingled. "I know just the way you like it. Granger doesn't know a thing." She grabbed my hand and placed it on her large arse.

At this point, I was a man of little restraint. I brought my lips to Pansy's neck, heavily considering bedding her purely out of convenience until very suddenly what was occurring clicked into place. "Off," I said firmly, and wrenched out of her grip. "Get off."

"What?" Pansy said in an indignant way. "How dare you!"

"You're a foul slag, you are. You're seducing me because you know I'm going to succeed and you don't want that. This is a scheme, like every other bleeding thing you get up to! You want me to lose so you can best me, win me over, shag me, crush me, pull some strange psychosomatic bullshit on me, which will lead to me breaking my brain, and THEN you'll also pull a terrible prank on me because I didn't complete the hunt!" I accused her.

She feigned a demure expression. Daphne and Blaise sniggered.

"Guilty as charged," Pansy said, shrugging with mock regret written on her face. "That's what I get for plotting against the person I've known since I was in nappies. Though I must say the last two clues may make you reconsider your choice, my dear. Let's hear you read it, then!"

I rolled my eyes at her and read the clue aloud:

_"The headmaster's office is your next location_

_and because that's already quite an awkward situation_

_to get his pants you get to choose how to start the conversation_

_get the clue, then meet in Slytherin to take your station _

_for the final task of your degradation." _

I looked at Pansy. "Really? Dumbledore?"

She burst out laughing. "_Now_ do you want to shag me instead?"

"Not worth it, my darling flower. Now I've got to be going. See you in the commons!" I said.

Pansy stuck her tongue out and Blaise blew me a kiss.

I'd been planning to confront Headmaster Dumbledore for months now. Agonized over it, actually. Now I wondered what would be more awkward: stealing into the old coot's office in the dead of night to kill him or to ask to borrow his knickers.

Knowing old Dumbledore, it was a very tough call.

* * *

..

Checking my watch as I entered Hogwarts, I realized that I only had half an hour to collect the next two clues. Luckily, this one was entirely up to me. I just hoped the old headmaster wouldn't try and go all hippie-grandfather on me as he often did. Dumbledore was one of the worst people I'd ever met in my entire life. His fake concern for everyone was insulting and his clothing was hideous. Often he looked like he was wearing lumpy tea cozies on his head, and he owned at least ten pairs of sandals and toe shoes, complete with tassels and bells on the ankles. Who wants to see an old geezer's icky feet? NOT Draco Malfoy.

I speed-walked through corridors, avoiding the small amount of people who were still milling about. Finally, I reached Dumbledore's chambers and knocked loudly on the door. I could hear faint music and humming. After what felt like a million years, the door creaked open very slowly. The smell of incense wafted out of the door.

"Ah. Mister Malfoy," greeted the headmaster in a calm way. "I did not expect to see you so soon. Come in."

I pushed past him. This was the second time I'd been in his office. The first time, I'd had what was supposed to be a telling-off for threatening Justin Fitch-Fletchley, but instead Dumbledore prattled on to me about Muggle candies and his fondest childhood memories. I swear to you, the man is insane and is possibly doing a lot of heavy drugs. It was no mystery why the Dark Lord wanted him dead. You couldn't get any sense out of him if you tried.

"Yes, well, I figure you know what this is about and I really don't have a lot of time," I said tersely, entering the room and facing the old man. "Now, let's get this done with—"

Dumbledore smoothed his robes. "I must stop you there," he said. "You do not have to do this."

"Yes, yes I do," I argued, glaring at him. "You have no idea what will happen if I don't—"

"I know it may seem like the end of the world, Mister Malfoy, but you need to rethink this. Please. I do not want to see you end up like so many countless others," Dumbledore went on. His music increased slightly in volume, and jingly chimes played in high tones. "Sit down, and we can have a chat. I'll make you a cup of hot nettle tea."

"I don't want your hippie tea!" I said, getting annoyed.

"Mister Malfoy, I want you to know how much I value you. If you go through with this, it will ruin your entire life. Think of your family," he said.

I cocked my eyebrow. "I thought you supported Muggle-borns. You of all people should be celebrating this."

It was his turn to look confused. "I suppose I do not know what you mean."

The chimes jangled and the tempo of the music increased.

"I need your pants pronto!" I said, throwing up my hands. "What do you _think _I mean?"

Headmaster Dumbledore gave me a peculiar expression and then smiled. "Oh, my Godric, I very nearly forgot. My apologies, Mister Malfoy. Now, just a moment. Let me find them." He hummed some more whilst rummaging through his desk. "Lemon drop?"

"Ugh, NO!" I snarled.

"Very well." He continued his search, and finally seized a pair of large dark purple pants off the table by his record collection. "I made sure to use a very dear pair. They evoke my personality completely, do they not!? And although Miss Parkinson told me a used pair would suffice, I did not want to do such a thing to you, Mister Malfoy."

"That's the only good thing you've ever done for me," I told him earnestly.

He looked off into the distance and chuckled merrily to himself. See! He's completely bonkers! "Now, without further adieu, I shall read the last clue and you can be on your way," Headmaster Dumbledore said faintly, and unfolded his underwear slowly.

"I thought I was just going to go back to Slytherin. Give them over—"

"Ah, but you have a few more details to know before you return to the Slytherin commons," Dumbledore said, pushing his half-moon glasses up his nose. With disgust I realized that on top of being purple, the pants were covered in huge gold stars. I decided right then and there I was going to burn them as soon as this rubbish was all over. He cleared his throat, and took a deep breath.

_"You've made it far, and I'm impressed_

_So now it's time for your final test _

_Come back to where snakes lay to sleep_

_Be quiet though! Don't make a peep!_

_You must enter the resting quarters of your most beloved prof_

_because you can't get to Granger without taking his pants off!" _

My eyes widened in utmost horror. "She… she doesn't mean…?"

Dumbledore closed his eyes and smiled serenely. "These are very great lengths you are going to for the purpose of pleasure, Mr. Malfoy! You really must want to pollinate with Miss Granger, or else I'd assume Miss Parkinson would have been an easier choice. You two have quite the interesting history indeed! That Miss Parkinson is a real livewire. But then again, you do hate her. Though, I'd assume, in a quite different way then you believe you hate Miss Granger. Tell me, Mr. Malfoy, is there a bit of intrigue in the prospect of shagging Miss Granger? I suppose there might be a level of fun in doing something so against your family's Pureblood values-"

"Well, yeah, I—" I stopped talking and made a face of disgust. "How do you know about my life?" I backed up, shuddering. "You don't know me! You don't know anything!"

"All I shall say on the matter is I very much suggest opening your mind and your heart. Be honest to yourself. Your journey will be all the more satisfactory." He paused, and then opened one eye. "Oh my! I've forgotten! Did I ask you yet if you'd like a lemon drop?"

"I SAID NO!" I yelled as loudly as I possibly could.

"Very well," he said with a merry wink, and began mixing what appeared to be a cocktail. He shook the concoction and conjured up a glass with a sugared rim. "You are missing out!"

Shaking my head, I swore under my breath and dove for the door to make my exit.

"Farewell, Mr. Malfoy," he said softly. "Good luck on your quest! My best to Miss Granger. That is, if you succeed. And I shall see you again soon. I am very certain of that. I just must advise you to look into your soul and determine what you wish your future to be like, and-"

Not wanting to hear anymore hippie-dippy rubbish, I slammed the door behind me.

..

* * *

**Time's a ticking!**

**If Malfoy can work out the clue in time and get the last pair of pants, it' a race to the Mudblood!**

**(That is, if he can find her!)**


	7. Pillow Talk

Chapter Seven: Pillow Talk

..

* * *

"Well, you've certainly outdone yourself," I snapped as soon as I walked into the Slytherin common room.

Pansy looked up from the couch, where she lying with her feet in Theo's lap. He was, as went their nighttime ritual, massaging them furiously. As soon as she saw me, she simpered in amusement. "Hello, my dear. Have you collected the final clue?"

"Yes, and I'll have you know: as hilarious and ingenious as your gawkily-composed poetry is, this clue is completely off base! The only professor who sleeps here is Professor Snape and he is no longer my _beloved prof_ as you so articulately put it! I don't have a beloved prof anymore! I detest every professor in this damned place. I just happen to detest Snape the least!"

"This sad sort of thing often happens in mentor-student relationships, particularly with teenage boys your age," said Pansy as though she was giving a lecture, "and it's a dire shame. You used to look up to Snape! You two used to have such a deep relationship wrought with learning moments and emotional conversations. But now that you think you're a man, you're suddenly in competition with him. But I know deep down you'll come to love Snape again, once you two get over this depressing hump in your romance—"

I made a face. "Pansy, you're completely insane. You don't know the first thing about what's happening between me and Snape so don't even try to analyze it from your naughty perspective. Professor Snape is straight, first and foremost. There's no question about it. Blaise agrees with me on this subject. You can ask him. And further, he is certainly not secretly bedding all his male students! You need to stop reading those revolting comic books from X Wizards X !"

Pansy indicated the black grandfather clock by the crackling fireplace. "Time's a ticking, Draco. Only ten minutes left and you'd rather stand here bickering with me. You'd better get a move on unless you've given up—"

"Never," I snarled. "I'm going to get Snape's pants and I'm going to stick them right under your nose—"

She shrieked, making Theo jump. "Do that and I'll kill you in your sleep!" she threatened.

I wriggled my eyebrows evilly at her before running down the stairs to the dormitories. Snape's living quarters were past the third hallway, right off the first years' bedrooms. This would be easy enough as Professor Snape was notorious for sleeping harder than a normal person usually does. You have no idea.

..

We Slytherins like to claim we are badass partiers by nature but to be honest it has to do a lot with our head of house being too hung-over or tired to give a shit about what we do. Snape's method of governing Slytherin house is making certain we are not dead before he heads to his chambers and making sure we are alive at breakfast. Often he will sleep walk into the common area amidst utter chaos (late night blow-jobs, shots of Cobra Velvet, dirty truth or dare games, lap dances) and will say a few groggly words we cannot understand before swooping back to his room in his odd gray nightshirt.

As easy as this task was going to be, I had absolutely no desire to handle or view Snape's pants, so I was dreading it all the same. Very quietly, I charmed the lock on his door and very gingerly pushed in the doorknob. I instantly covered my nose with my free arm. The place reeked of cigarettes, laundry and sorrow.

I pressed on, reminding myself that this was the last terrifying thing I'd have to do today and that I'd soon be finding Granger. And then I could get some release at last. I stepped quietly through the doorway and closed the door behind me. It closed with a quiet snap. I heard faint murmuring from the opposite side of the room and I stood still, rooted to the floor. I couldn't quite make out the professor, but his bed was covered in black blankets and I could see that he was sprawled over them, his long, pale arm drooping off the side of the four-poster. The mumbling died down and turned into loud snoring.

In interest, I looked around Snape's room. It was dim and dingy, lined with old candles and stacks of books. Black and grey clothing was strewn all over the floor and a record player sat on an old oak table with records of some band called _The Smiths _stacked beside it. His closet doors hung open, and among the debris was a very lifelike, human-sized doll. It was lying on the floor face-up and had very large tits and long, dark red hair. Horrifyingly, the doll was sort of attractive. Even more horrifyingly, it was clothed in a very tight-fitting Gryffindor uniform.

"Snape's sex doll is wearing Gryffindor colors. Disgusting,"I whispered, and there was a thump! from Snape's bed. Startled, I jumped into the air and covered my mouth as not to scream.

"Fifth period, skip it and meet me," Professor Snape muttered and pounded his fist into the mattress.

"Er. When? Tomorrow's the weekend," I said lamely, a million excuses running through my head. "I didn't see you in here, Professor. You see, I'm just here because I'm borrowing-"

But Snape did not respond to me. There was a beat of silence before he let out a gurgling moan and thrust himself into the mattress, scooping a large, worn pillow into his arms. "Don't worry, you're good enough in Potions, even though Slughorn's an old schmoozer," he drawled sleepily, humming in a pleasant tone.

"I was hoping you'd agree!" I replied, relieved he wasn't conscious enough to fully understand I'd snuck into his chambers. "Last time I tried to explain to you about Slughorn, you told me to put a sock in it because there were more important matters to attend to. I'm happy you've finally taken my side again, Professor- I'm tired of Slughorn's teaching methods and I miss seeing you try to poison Longbottom's toad every other day. And remember what you said to Weasley about his tonic in fourth year? That was the most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my-"

_"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," _Snape moaned loudly, clutching the dirty old pillow harder still.

"Professor?" I questioned, walking a tiny bit closer.

"Oh, so you'll snog Potter and not me?" Snape asked suddenly in a very angry, bitter voice.

"How dare you! I'm not a pouf!" I snarled. "And you aren't either! Even Blaise agrees with me and you ought to believe his word because he's perfected the best Gaydar charm in the school! What the hell are you muttering about? Just wait til I tell my Mother her Secret Keeper is a pervy, loony-"

Snape burst out laughing and cradled the old pillow, kissing the top of it deeply as though he was going to bite right through it. "Oh, Evans- you mean you haven't snogged him yet?"

"Who the hell is _Evan?" _I snapped, growing impatient. Sleep-talking or not, this was bloody peculiar and I did not like it one bit.

"Let's shag- I want to make it with you before Potter takes your Comet for a ride-"

Seething, I decided I'd had enough of the queer insults and that I should just get down to business. Removing my wand from my pocket, I pointed it directly at Snape's arse, which was up quite high in the air. Scary. To top it off, he started grinding into the dirty old pillow as though his life depended upon it. "Accio! ACCIO!" I commanded, and with a _whoosh, _a pair of grey, tattered pants shot out from under Snape's nightshirt and flew over to me, landing neatly on the floor. I rolled down my sleeve so that I did not have to make contact with the dreadful things and very carefully picked them up off the floor. This time, the writing was Pansy's unmistakable loopy scrawl. My first thought was that I wanted to know exactly how she'd gotten the pants to write the clue in the first place but I decided that I'd learned enough today to shatter me for life.

_'You've done it, Draco_

_You've found the last pants _

_So go ahead, do a victory dance! _

_Now you know you must find Granger, and you know the stakes_

_But first meet back with me, the Queen Bee of Snakes!'_

I groaned, being that I'd definitely surpassed my Pansy limit for the day. But if this is what it took to shag Granger, this was what I had to do. Aside from a few awful moments, these tasks had been an absolute piece of cake. If Pansy thought any of the clues would trip me up, she was more of a stupid cow than I thought. I strode toward the door but in my jubilation, I tripped over a large pile of _Filthy Muggleborn! _magazines and fell to the floor.

At once, Professor Snape jumped out of bed, holding his wand out in the air. "Who's there? WHO THE HELL IS THERE?" He did a few very quick spells, and his closet door snapped shut. The stack of records evaporated into thin air.

I cowered, trying to retain my composure. "Professor—it's Draco—your favorite student—"

"You are not my favorite student anymore," Snape snarled. "I told you that last week."

"Well, you're not my favorite teacher anymore," I responded. I'd like to say I wasn't hurt, but his remark cut me very deep.

"Good," Snape said, folding his spidery arms over his thin chest, that dreadful threadbare nightie swooshing around his knees. "I do not want anyone to like me. It will make everything easier in the end."

"I think that's a solid goal for you," I said. "Easily attainable—"

Professor Snape descended upon me, staring me down over his hooked nose. "Exactly why are you snooping around my chambers, Malfoy? Do you need something? Perhaps a hanky to dry your angsty tears?"

"I ONLY CRIED ONCE IN FRONT OF YOU! YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN!" I screamed, waving my hands around.

This gesture was a mistake, because Snape' steely black eyes caught sight of the pants. A bit sleepily, he patted his bony hip through the nightgown and then his lips curled into a terrifying glare I had never in my life been on the receiving end of.

"Mister Malfoy," he said through gritted yellow teeth, "are those my pants?"

I nodded. "Yes sir," I squeaked, immediately trying to think of a fantastic excuse.

"Goddamnit," he muttered. "Not again."

"What?"

"Nothing." He stretched out a pale, gnarled hand. "Give them to me now."

I swallowed and shook my head. "I need them. I have to take them but I can return them later—"

"Now, Malfoy. Do not make me ask again."

"I can't!" I shouted. "I have to present them over to Pansy! Then they'll be yours again—"

"You will do no such thing, Malfoy!"

"I'm sorry, Professor, but this is bigger than you," I told him, and with that, I took off running out of his chambers.

"MALFOYYYY!" he hollered, and I heard him running behind me.

We ducked under tapestries, sped around corners, and made a brief run through the first year girls' dorms. Yelps and screams rang out as we looped around the girls' beds and then back out again.

"GIVE ME THOSE PANTS!" Snape shouted, and picked up speed with a burst of athleticism I'd never seen him display. He grabbed me around the shoulders and then suddenly, he stopped in his tracks.

Still gripping the old pants hard in my hands, I very slowly turned around.

Professor Snape's eyes were shut, and he was backing up into the wall behind him. He leaned back and slid down it until he reached the floor. He then promptly keeled over and started snoring.

I blinked. "Pro—professor?" The man was dead asleep. Not wanting to push my luck, I ran down the corridor as fast as possible. I flung open the door that led to the staircase to the commons and slammed it behind me. As quick as my legs could go, I pounded up the stairs, flew around the corner, and bumped into Astoria Greengrass which sent her toppling to the floor with a shriek.

"Draco—" Pansy managed to get out before I tripped over Astoria's feet and fell face-first onto the rug by the fire. Weakly, I waved Snape's pants in the air as if having won a great battle. And I suppose I had.

"What on earth, Malfoy! Watch out!" Astoria squealed, struggling to get out from under me. "And, are those_ underpants?" _She wrinkled her nose. "Gross!"

"Don't get me started on you, little girl," I retorted, quickly getting up. "You're lucky I even touched you. You can tell your little toddler friends you had a close encounter with Draco Malfoy—"

"I'm not a little girl! I'm _fourteen_ !" she protested, looking hurt. She sniffled and fled from the common room.

"That was the first and last time you'll ever have the privilege of my company, Astoria!" I called after her. Salazar save any bloke that gets saddled with that annoying little bint!

Pansy smirked and patted the spot next to her on the couch. "Welcome, Draco. Come and sit. I need to assess your accuracy during today's tasks."

"Accuracy?" I snapped. "Accuracy? My accuracy was fantastic! I was spot-on in every respect—"

"Actually, you're five minutes late to start and I've got a bone to pick with you regarding your third challenge—"

"_Five minutes? Five minutes?" _I sputtered. "I was able to get the pants within the time frame! I got them RIGHT on time! It just took me longer to get back!"

Pansy smiled primly and crossed her legs, patting the couch again. "I know. I just love seeing you thrown out of whack, Draco, dear. It's quite hysterical."

"And what the hell was wrong with the third task?" I asked angrily, sinking down beside her on the couch and trying to catch my breath.

She held up her hand to silence me. "We are going to discuss this in _order, _darling."

"But Pansy, I'm _dying. _I need to shag someone or something as soon as possible," I growled, gritting my teeth.

"Not my problem anymore," she trilled.

I groaned softly and folded my arms, waiting for Pansy to begin her evaluation.

She picked up a black journal and placed it in her lap, flipping around for the right page. "Ah ha," she said, opening it to a section filled with her loopy cursive. The page was titled _DRACO MALFOY AND THE MUDBLOOD'S PANTS. _"Let us begin, my sweet."

* * *

**To be continued.**

**DUN...DUN...DUNNN. **

* * *

**A/N: **From the next update on, this story will permanently be changed to a Mature rating. Which means, ahead there are things of a ridiculously MATURE nature. So you should be REALLY excited. You can easily find it again by using the search engine or bookmarking it in your favorites and alerts. And as usual, please review!


	8. Real Women

Chapter Eight: Real Women

..

* * *

I waited, wondering what on earth Pansy could do to me now. The common room was abuzz with conversation. Our friends were sitting at the table next to the couch, paying us no mind. Older students were helping first years study for Snape's exam. For once, we weren't the center of attention. Not that I'm complaining. It gets tired being King and Queen of snakes.

Pansy cleared her throat, cracked her knuckles, and began. "The first task was Cauldron's Bottoms. You made it to Neville Longbottom in a little over half an hour, and you were able to snag his pants. There were no rules in place for this task, and Longbottom states that you made your transaction in a matter of seconds. Even though you had help from Daphne, I'm still going to say you were right on target. Of course, that task was extremely easy and only a complete idiot wouldn't have been able to accomplish it. Onto the next! Blaise!"

Blaise rolled over the back on the couch and dropped in beside me. "Hullo, love," he said with a wink. I groaned in response.

"I hear reports that you found the Snake Pit in record time," Pansy said, as she read notes from her black book. "At first, you attempted to cheat by giving Blaise a peck on the lips. Bad, bad Draco. But, luckily he convinced you otherwise, or else you would have failed miserably. And how was the kiss?"

I looked to Blaise, who was filing his nails. "It was adequate," he said, with a shrug.

"ADEQUATE?" I burst out, glowering at him. "You were so into it you slapped my arse and tried to bite my lips! You stupid queen!"

"Draco, please," Blaise said, rolling his eyes and smiling. "You're _so _arrogant."

"I know, isn't it simply absurd how great he thinks he is?" Pansy agreed. "I swear, he gets off just by imagining boffing himself!" They burst into laughter.

"DO NOT," I yelled, "and you know it!" (Well. Not _all _the time. I'll admit I do get a bit excited when I see my arse in a nice pair of trousers.)

Blaise patted my knee. "Don't fuss, Draco. It's babyish and unattractive. You were better than simply adequate and you do not need me to tell you that. Though you were somewhat vanilla—"

"Vanilla? I'm anything but! Pansy, tell him! I'm not vanilla!" I whined.

"Draco, shut up, please. I hate when you use that tone of voice," Pansy said tersely, elbowing me. They're both so mean to me! "Blaise's actual quote was, '_holy yummers—the task should have been a shag-a-thon'_, so you can quiet your haughty little self down. Your reputation stands firm."

I puffed out my chest and smirked at Blaise. "Thanks, mate. But I'll have to decline—"

"Oh, shut up, ferret-face," Blaise chortled. "Good luck with the Mudblood. You'll have to excuse me. I heard through the grapevine that Cormac McLaggen turns bisexual when you give him enough wine, so I'm going to see if the rumors are true!" With that, Blaise got up and sashayed away.

"I know what I'm doing later," said Pansy with an evil beam. She flipped to the next page. "Ah, yes," she said. "Lavender Brown. Draco, would you be so kind as to read the clue off Blaise's pants? The one that led you to Brown?"

"Why the hell would I need to do that? You WROTE the blasted thing," I said, but got it out all the same. In the process, my hand brushed Brown's brassiere. Just fingering the large, soft bra was nearly getting me sprung again. I sucked in air and grumbled in impatience, taking out Blaise's black underwear.

Pansy snickered in amusement. "Why, Draco. You're positively _suffering_, aren't you? How long _has _it been since you last shagged anybody?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but Tracey was it. That was in August. Nearly _four _months have passed. And I broke up with her during it, so it wasn't even very good. She started crying and I almost couldn't come," I said, unfolding the pants. "Worst shag of my life."

"Still, knowing your ego, I'd expect you to have had shagged and dropped at least five empty-headed bitches by now—"

"I've had _other _things to do! Things you'd never understand! Honestly, Pansy, life isn't all about sex, pranking people and gossiping. I have a secret task! I'm doing important things for the betterment of all wizards, and I'm making my family pro—"

"Draco, please shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear about your _super secret _task anymore! If you're not going to tell us what it is, don't bother mentioning it. It's obviously just something you've made up so you can go jerk off in secret while people think you're off doing important things. Now read the bloody clue."

I scowled at her. "I'm not making it up. But fine. I will." I looked at the pants and read out the clue in one breath:_"As you know, dear Draco, Weasley is our king_. _But what you'll need to do is make his girlfriend's boobies swing!_ _On her bra is the clue that holds your fourth task. Be corrupt, be sly, be sneaky. Because you cannot simply ask!" _I stared at Pansy. "So? Is something the matter?"

"Exactly how did you acquire her bra? And _don't _lie, Draco. I've already spoken with Brown," Pansy said, raising her eyebrow.

"What!" I snapped. "I don't know what you're getting at. I sent her a letter to meet me in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and I got her all nice and excited by kissing her neck. We made out for a while, only for the sake of getting her all good and turned on, and then I took her bra off. Simple as that."

"Brown says you started to remove the bra, and then you _asked _for her permission to keep it as a souvenir—"

"I might have asked, but I asked _after _I was already taking it off!" I said instantly, the wheels in my head turning. I honestly hadn't considered that. "I was being in character. She thought I was Weasley—well, I _thought _she _thought _I was—and I figured Weasley is a dweeb regarding those kinds of matters and would probably ask her permission first like a nancy boy."

Pansy scratched her chin. "Hm," was all she said.

"I already had the bra!" I asserted. "Ask Brown! She'll tell you!"

"She _did _tell me, Draco. She told me you _asked _and you were not supposed to ask! It's clearly stated in the clue, which you probably lost sight of as soon as you started snogging her disgusting, blood traitor face!"

"I WAS SNOGGING HER TO GET THE BRA!"

The common room quickly went silent, and everyone turned to stare. Crabbe and Goyle stopped arguing about what teams were going to win the Quidditch season (as usual, they were both supporting teams that hadn't even been picked for the Cup, unbeknownst to them). Theo and Zeke stopped playing chess. Daphne put away her Divinations book and watched in interest.

Pansy pushed my shoulder. "You asked for the bra and I should call off this game RIGHT NOW, Draco Malfoy! You're a cheat! I don't care if you ever get laid again, and I have half a mind to just declare that you lost!"

"You can't do that! I already had the bra! Just ask! JUST ASK HER!"

"Admit that you cheated!" Pansy yelled.

"I didn't cheat, you fat bitch!" I shouted back at her.

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was in deep, deep trouble. Pansy was a girl who referred to herself as "large and in charge", but if you dared comment upon the size of her arse in her tiny school skirts, she'd whap you one across the ears. I knew this with my entire soul, and yet I'd royally cocked up.

Theo whistled. Daphne covered her face with her hands. The Head Boy and Head Girl quickly escorted first years off the premises. Pansy smiled at me sweeter than I'd ever seen and put her hand on my thigh. I reflexively flinched.

"What did you call me?" she asked, in a soft, kind voice that made my heart begin to pound with deep apprehension.

"I… it was a mistake, Pans. It slipped out. I didn't really mean it," I winced.

She didn't take her hand off my leg. "No," she chirped. "Come now. It's okay. I just want to be sure I heard you correctly."

"I…er… Fat bitch," I said. "But, I didn't mean it—"

"Oh, you didn't _mean_ it?" she said, smiling.

I swallowed hard and shook my head quickly from side to side.

**"YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT? YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT? OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT!" **Pansy screeched so loudly that people watching covered their ears and wailed in protest. "ARE YOU WONDERING HOW I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT?"

Her voice was nails on a chalkboard. I shut my eyes tight, hoping it would be over soon. "How do you know?" I whispered quietly.

"BECAUSE AS SOMEONE WHO HAS SHAGGED YOU AND GIVEN YOU MOUNTAINS OF HAND JOBS AND ORAL SEX, AND WHO HAS HEARD SOME OF YOUR MOST RIDICULOUS FANTASIES, I AM WELL-AWARE THAT ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A COMPLETE MAN WHORE WHO HAS AN EYE FOR ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF GIRLS, **YOU, DRACO MALFOY,** **ADORE FAT BITCHES**!"

Despite myself, I opened my eyes and smirked casually at the room. "Haha, you're completely mad—". Of course, Pansy was partially right- perhaps adore went a bit far but I was definitely a fan of luscious arses and pillowy tits. Adore though? I didn't adore _any _bitches. Bitches adored me. It was simple.

Pansy leaned over me and slammed her hand down on the front of my trousers. As my snide laughter turned into horrified shrieking, she squeezed my balls with a fury.

I cried out in protest. "PANSY! AH! STOP! STOP! STOP!"

She tightened her grip. "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES, DRACO! SAY IT! REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!"

"PANSY! AHHHHHH! STOP! STOP!" I wailed.

The entire room burst into shouts and laughter.

"SAY IT, DRACO!" She continued crushing me. I could feel her fingernails through my thin trousers. I really needed to start dressing for protection instead of vanity. The pain was excruciating.

"REAL… WOMEN… AAAAH… HAVE CURVES," I managed to get out, the color draining from my face. I began to shout in a panicked voice while punching the couch: "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES! REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!"

Pansy released me from her death grip and patted my leg. "Good job, Draco. I knew you had it in you." She looked around at everyone in the common room. "OY! DOES THIS CONCERN YOU?" she yelled.

Everyone went back to what they were doing.

"Honestly, I wasn't trying to cheat," I said in a high voice, massaging my sore balls and making a face. I cleared my throat. "If I wanted to cheat, I would have been done with this entire thing way quicker. You know that, Pansy!"

She wrote something down in the margin of her journal. "I _do _know that," she said, throwing me a little glance. "I just wanted you to know nothing gets past me."

"That's something I'll never forget," I mumbled.

"Onto the next!" she said cheerfully, as I tried to hold back tears of pain. "Cho Chang, the sweet little exhibitionist… Ah, Draco. Where do I start? You already know I was very impressed with your method, and you played right into my little game by infuriating Potter. My sources say he's still ranting about it. A perfect ten."

"Thank you," I squeaked.

"Next was Headmaster Dumbledore," Pansy went on. "This one was terribly easy, and I had no doubt that you would finish in a timely manner, but you even got done earlier than I expected. That's worthy of praise, given that Dumbledore could have easily cornered you and given you a two hour lecture about love and family."

"Almost fell into that trap, but I ran away before he had the chance to get all deep," I said, my voice finally back to normal.

"And he gave the pants over which means he held up his end of the deal. So his secret's safe with me," Pansy said to herself, and crossed something off in her notebook.

"You're _black-mailing _the Headmaster?" I demanded. "For what? Tell me!" I tried to snatch her book from her but she made a gesture like she might make a grab for my nads again and so I left it be.

"That's between Dumbledore and I. And the late Grindelwald," Pansy said. I didn't even want to ask. "Onto Snape—"

"Ugh," I said, scrunching up my face. "That was terrifying. His sex doll was wearing Gryffindor clothing!" (Honestly, I'd never get over that as long as I lived.)

"You know, you're more demented than I thought," Pansy commented, and flipped the page in her book. "Professor Snape. Also an extremely easy challenge when you think about it. I'm assuming you used your wand for this one?"

"No, I got them the same way I did with Chang," I said sarcastically, glaring at her. "Yes, of course I used my wand—"

"And as I said, you were back late but I suppose you are right. You _did _manage to acquire them on time, so I'll give it to you," Pansy said, making a few marks on the page.

"Oh _thank you,_" I snarled. "How _kind _of you. Now, I want to know where Granger is!"

"Draco, you horny little bastard!" she twittered. "You have to find Granger—you know that. And I'm giving you one last clue—"

"ENOUGH WITH THE SODDING CLUES!" I shouted, and once more, the entire common room turned to look.

Pansy shoved my shoulder. "Pull yourself together! One more clue. That's it. And then it's up to you to find Granger and see if she wants to screw your miserable ass. For my own sake, I really hope she does because this is getting pathetic. Now, listen carefully, Draco."

"Oh, I'm _all_ ears, Pans," I said with a tight-lipped grin. _You obnoxious, blithering bitch, you, _I thought. (She had not yet learned to read my mind, though I was waiting for that day to come.)

Pansy looked at her book and recited another one of her stupid rhymes: "_This entire evening, you've been searching for clothes. And listening very patiently to prose. You've won all the pants as your excitement grows. So look around, Draco. She's right under your nose._"

I blinked. "That's… it?"

"That's it," Pansy said. "It's dreadfully easy to work out if you think about it in the right way."

"There's nothing there to think about!" I snapped. "Under my nose? She's not right here! She's not under my nose!"

"Draco, CALM DOWN! She's somewhere convenient—somewhere you would want to find her right away. Don't think too hard!"

I growled and banged the back of my head on the couch in frustration. "Think, Draco, think," I whispered. "Somewhere convenient. Somewhere… Ah HA. Somewhere obvious?"

"_Very," _Pansy said, nodding.

"Well, it's completely simple, isn't it? Granger's right where she's supposed to be!" I said excitedly, and jumped up immediately. I ran out of the common room toward Gryffindor tower, not even hearing Pansy's cry of _"Draco! Where the hell are you running to!?"_.


	9. Long Overdue

Chapter Nine: Long Overdue

..

* * *

I charged past students, a few professors, dodged Sir Nicholas before he could lament about that Headless Hunt bullshit, and headed up the main stairway.

"Hi Draco!" said a loud, excitable voice. I turned to my left. Right near the entrance of Gryffindor tower were Lavender Brown and Weasley, woven together like they might bone each other any second. I couldn't help but notice Brown's cleavage.

"Why in the blazes are you talking to _him, _Lav?" choked Weasley, looking at his girlfriend in a horrified fashion.

"Hello, Brown," I responded with a curt nod. "Good evening, Weasley!"

"Don't wish me a good evening!" Weasley said, his eyes widening. "What's your game, Malfoy?"

"Be polite, Won-Won!" Brown said, smacking him in the stomach.

"My game? The only game on my mind is Quidditch, Weasley. Great week, wasn't it? Your playing was impeccable!"

"Bugger off, you fuckwit!" Weasley yelled.

"WON!" Brown said, and struck him again.

"Look Brown, could you tell me the Gryffindor password? I need to get in there."

"Ooooh, you're close, aren't you?" she asked.

"Close? Close to what?" Weasley demanded. "Close to what!?"

"Very," I said. "I can feel it."

"Password is _Raspberry Opal. _It's the Fat Lady's favorite liqueur!"

"Wha—why are you telling him that?" sputtered Weasley, running a hand through his short, lobster-red hair worriedly, his freckled face growing pink.

"Right thanks," I said, and strolled up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Raspberry Opal!" I commanded, and she opened up straight away.

"DON'T LET HIM IN!" Weasley yelled.

The Fat Lady shook her head at him. "Stop shouting, young man!"

"Bye, Draco! Have fuuuuun!" Brown squealed.

"You, too. Have a good night, Weasley," I sneered.

"Oh, we _plaaan _to, don't we Wonnie?" Brown said, burying her head into Weasley's chest.

"DON'T WISH ME A GOOD NIGHT, MALFOY! DON'T YOU DARE!" Ron hollered, shaking his fist.

I crawled into the portrait hole, and sped into the common room, attracting many curious stares. I was trying to work out which way the girls' dorms were when I heard my name being called. I turned and my eyes grew wide. There on the Gryffindor common room couch sat Pavarti Patil and Millicent. From the look of things, they were getting pretty hot and heavy. Patil's skirt was pulled up and her legs were over Millicent's lap.

"Malfoy! Har har har," wheezed Millicent. "What are _you _doing here?"

"I need to know how to get into the dormitories! I'm here for my prize!" I announced.

Parvati moaned as Millicent planted a kiss on her neck. I stiffened, feeling my trousers getting tight. If I squinted, Millicent almost looked attractive.

"You're in the wrong place, Malfoy," Millicent said, slipping her hand up Patil's shirt.

Patil moaned softly. "Mills, not here—not in front of—_oooh—_Malfoy!"

"Oh, it's okay," Millicent cackled. "He doesn't mind!"

"What do you mean, _the wrong place_?" My eyes were glued to the two girls in front of me.

"I hate to break it to you, Malfoy. She ain't here. Malfoy—Malfoy—… MALFOY!" Millicent stomped her foot on the floor, giving me a start.

It broke me out of my lesbian daze. "But she's up there! She's got to be in her dorm! It only makes sense!"

Millicent shrugged solemnly. "I'm sorry but your Mudblood is in another part of the castle!"

"Snakes! Thanks, Bulstrode. Any idea where?"

"If I tell I'm dead meat. You know that! Think about it, Malfoy! It's pretty obvious where Granger would be," she winked lecherously. "Good luck!"

"What are you going to do next, Millicent?" I asked, breaking into a lopsided smirk and wiggling my eyebrows.

"Get out, Malfoy. That expression makes you look like a perverted creep," Millicent sighed.

"FINE," I pouted, before turning to leave. "Bye, Patil! If she can't get you there, you know where to find me!"

Parvati gave me the finger. Unfriendly cunt. No matter. I had no time for lesbian activity today! I ran off to the place I KNEW Granger would be: The library!

How stupid of me not to think of that first. Granger was constantly in the library. It took me a record of ten minutes to get there, and I only got winded once. Being horny is a very good incentive to exercise, you know!

I walked in very quickly, surveying the scene. Only a few scattered people were at the study tables, and the aisles were mostly empty. I didn't see Granger anywhere. Then I saw the sign for the Restricted Section, and headed there at once. I stepped into the section but it seemed empty.

"Granger?" I whispered, my voice sounding strange in the silence.

Nobody answered. I began to browse the titles in interest, as I'd only been in the Restricted Section a few times before. Binns had given me a permission slip once when I'd lied and said I was working on a thesis paper that would argue the point of banning black magic. Periodically, he'd ask me how it was coming and I'd tell him I was still working on it. This had been going on for four years. Dead idiot.

"Are you allowed to be in here?" asked a deep and somber voice, breaking the quiet.

I jumped and turned around to face whoever had addressed me. Leaning against a bookshelf was a tall,, dark-skinned pudgy bloke I'd never seen before. He was wearing a serious look upon his face and was holding a stack of books in his hands. Strangely, he was wearing both a Gryffindor and Ravenclaw pin on his robes.

"That isn't any of your business," I replied snappishly.

"If you're not allowed back here, you shouldn't be here, Malfoy," he said, still staring at me. "Have you got a permission note?"

"Excuse me, _who _are you?" I demanded. "And where do you get off telling me what to do!?"

"You've been in class with as long as we've been at Hogwarts!" he said, frowning. He looked slightly ruffled. "I'm in your year!"

"Ridiculous. I've never laid eyes upon you in my life," I said. "Lying bastard. Who are you really?"

"We were partners in Potions first year for an entire quarter!" he said, looking hurt.

"Never seen you so not possible," I snapped. "Have you seen a girl back here?"

His eyes widened and he shook his head with a look of utmost seriousness. "You're looking for Granger. You're not going to find her here—"

"How do _you _know—"

"Granger could be anywhere. It's like catching smoke. Like catching smoke with your bare hands," he told me gravely.

"Right," I said, backing up. "You're a lunatic! Thanks for nothing!"

_"Your bare hands,"_ he repeated as I backed out of the Restricted Section, cursing under my breath. _"Your bare hands, Malfoy…" _

Severely freaked out, I broke into a run and took off. "DRACO MALFOY!" screamed Pince. "NO RUNNING IN THE LIBRARY! AND _Vanishing Cabinets for Dummies _IS LONG OVERDUE!"

"SORRY! I'M ALSO LONG OVERDUE TO BE SHAGGED!" was all I could think of to holler back. A gaggle of girls at the checkout line squealed with giggles.

Once I was out of the library, I turned the corner and slammed into a tall, husky boy by the name of Orville Talon. Not only was _Orville_ as obnoxious as his name implied, he was also Head Boy. He reminded me of Ron Weasley's older brother Peter, except a Hufflepuff and loads more annoying—if you could imagine that! Sure enough, he glared at me and tapped a squashy finger against his glittery gold badge. "Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy. You certainly have very peculiar hallway behavior as of late! A few students have said you have been _loitering."_

I paused, sneering at him. "I'm not _loitering _now," I said, mocking his nasly voice.

"No—no, not right now," he said, and twitched his nose impatiently. "Right now you're running in the hallway, which is forbidden! Besides, shouldn't you be in bed?"

"_Bed_?" I burst out. "Pardon me, but I'm not six years old! I don't have to be in _bed…" _I trailed off. Bed. Bed.

Holy Python of Snakesville. Hermione Granger was _in _my _bed! _

"She's in my bed!" I cheered, and shoved Orville aside.

"Malfoy! How dare you! You've assaulted a Head Boyyy!" I heard him yell behind me, but today I did not give two shits.

..

* * *

Picking up speed, I rounded the corner leading to the boys' dormitories and took a sharp left into the hallway leading to the room I shared with the other sixth years. If this wasn't it, I had no bloody idea what I was going to do next. Probably go drown my horny arse in the lake and hope the squid would ravish my wet body. Holy snakes, I needed to get laid so badly I was hoping to be a giant squid's mercy fuck. How the mighty had fallen!

I ran in, breathing heavily and headed to my bed. I threw the canopy open in desperation, and then screamed in anguish: "NOOOOO!"

My bed was empty.

No Granger. No anyone. It was made neatly just as I'd done that morning, and it was vacant. _Empty. _I tried to catch my breath without keeling over and passing out. Granger wasn't here, and I absolutely was not going to go _back _to the common room to try to beg Pansy for answers. It dawned on me then that this possibly was all entirely a sick joke. Why had I not thought of that prospect earlier? The pants probably weren't even Granger's, and even if they were, Pansy had likely only done this to prove the lengths I'd go to boff a Mudblood. She probably had photographic evidence and was going to send it off immediately to Mother, to Father in Azkaban, to the Dark Lord, to Aunty Bellatrix...

My skin blanched a ghoulish white as I realised my life was completely over. Not only that, but I'd nearly perfected the Vanishing Cabinet… Not enough get out of Hogwarts, but that did not matter. It was enough for my entire batshit family to bust in and attack me. Mother would likely argue for my life to be spared, but could I really face her with such shame in my heart? Father would likely be a tiny bit sad but agree I should be immediately executed. They'd have no trouble finding a volunteer. I'm sure Aunty would kill me slowly, with lots of torture. I shuddered.

But the very worst part was that I was still excruciatingly turned-on. As much as I wanted to be an adult about this and face my impending death with courage and honor, I couldn't forget the exploits I'd gotten into. Getting the pants from Longbottom, Dumbledore and Snape were disturbing experiences, and Blaise was a crazy fairy. But getting to rub Lavender Brown's supple jugs had been on my mind since it happened, and pulling off Chang's pants with only my teeth had made me hungrier for twat then I'd been in ages. Even Pansy's diabolical plotting had led to me wishing I could slam it in her slaggy hole. But the real disappointment was that this had been all for naught. No twat of any kind, unless I did a walk of shame and went around begging. I mean, I could get any girl in two seconds, but... I wanted Granger.

I sighed and sat very somberly on the edge of the bed, thinking about what shit it would be to have to jack off _again _out of sexual frustration when a composed voice broke the awful silence:

"Are you completely out of your mind or just slightly touched in the head, Malfoy?"

My head snapped up in the direction of Blaise's bed. There, staring right back at me with a smug expression, was Mudblood Granger. Her wild mane of hair fanned out over her shoulders, and her legs were crossed. Her gray skirt was hitched up just enough that it offered me a small view of her shapely thighs. She was wearing a simple white blouse but the top two buttons were undone. As usual her effortless, nerdy attractiveness instantly made my mouth dry. She held our Potions text in her lap. Obviously she'd been working on homework whilst I'd been racing around the castle. There was a little smudge of ink on her cheek.

I smacked my lips to try and make words come out. She stared at me, not breaking eye contact. "Granger," I finally managed to sputter, "you're- you're here? Why are you on the pouf's bed and not mine?"

"My mistake, I guess. I assumed it was your bed because there is a photo of you on the bedside table. I couldn't figure who in their right mind would wish to own something as horrifying as that. Beyond you," she said carefully and uncrossed her legs. My mouth twitched. There was a sizable gap between her legs, but I couldn't see a blasted thing. This school really needed to work on its uniforms! (I'd begged Father to amend this fact when he used to be on the school board, but he said Dumbledore would never go for it. Stupid old dickhead! Who in their right mind doesn't want to see girls in short skirts!?) "Pouf?" she questioned.

"Zabini," I responded, still looking between her legs. She cleared her throat and I met her gaze once more. "He's sort of in love with me." I cocked my eyebrow. "I can't blame him."

Granger snorted. "Cut to the chase, Malfoy. I'm not stupid. When Parkinson told me I had a suitor who was going on a scavenger hunt in order to sleep with me, I worked out it was you. You're not a very subtle person-"

"And you're used to being around subtle people like Potter and Weasley, right?"

"Don't be rude," she said in a brassy voice. "Listen. You're completely obvious. I've noticed you gawking at me for the past couple months, and at first I assumed it was because you'd found something new to mock about me. But then you didn't say anything much and I noticed you staring at my chest and my bum a lot. Once you stared with your mouth open when I had to lean over my cauldron. You stared for _twenty seconds. _I know because I counted. And when Parkinson told me she had a plan for me, that she had someone I could get off with without having to care, I instantly knew it was you. And I suppose you have all of the clues?"

I nodded rapidly, and grabbed my satchel. My heartbeat quickened as Granger left her spot on Blaise's bed and stood up, crossing over to me. She stood rigidly with her arms crossed. "Right. So. Do you know the nature of this business?"

"I have a very vague idea," Granger stated. "I've been told you have something of mine. I'd like that first, please."

I rummaged through my bag and seized the blue lacy pants, and Granger snatched them out of my hands. I was interested to see she was a bit red-faced as she did so.

"I really just _can't _believe someone would steal these from my dirty clothing," she tutted, "and furthermore, that Parkinson would set all of this up, or that you of all people would be in possession of my underwear!"

I couldn't mask a sneer. "Your pants were the least of my worries today." With that, I dumped the rest of the garments on my bed and Granger looked them over.

"Oh God- the six tasks were to get _pants_?" she burst out.

"I've been hard at work, Granger, and I very much hope you'll appreciate my efforts. Longbottom's pair," I said and pointed out the lumpy and spazzy bright blue pair. Granger covered her mouth with her hands, giggling slightly. "Blaise," I said, gesturing at the silky black women's pants.

"Wait- how did you-"

"Lavender Brown's brassiere," I went on, interrupting her. "Cho Chang's pants, Dumbledore's and Professor Snape's." I folded my arms. "Six clues. All here."

Hermione stared wide-eyed at the assortment of people's underwear. "You collected pants. Because Parkinson told you she was holding me hostage somewhere in the castle. And you carried them around with you in a little bag all evening?"

"Yeees," I said slowly, having no bloody clue where she was going with this. All I could focus on was the fact that I wanted her to sit on my lap and feel her roll her herself on top of my waist.

"Well, you're a far bigger creep than I thought," she huffed. "Crazy, too. And mighty cocky. What on earth makes you think I'm going to let you have your way with me just because you've presented me with PANTS!? Pants that, in some cases-" she scrunched her nose at the gray pair- "don't look like they've seen a washer or the daylight in centuries."

"You mean you are not fixing to go to bed with me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "But I _need _to get off!"

Granger screwed up her face. "That is a hideous thing to say. And no, I don't think I _am _fixing to go to bed with you. I'm ready to be on my way."

My mouth fell open. "Six clues, Granger! Six clues, six tasks, six trinkets!"

"So—" She began, but I kept talking.

"This was not a cheesy battle fought with love! This wasn't a Chamber of Retards! This was not about saving a berk's ugly over-grown chicken! This was not a ridiculous Tri-Wizard Tournament that, if chosen, I could have beat in less than five days blindfolded WITHOUT having ANY CLUES! This was NOT about a stupid old Prophecy! This was about ME and PANTS! And I have them ALL right here!" I said, and I was suddenly shouting, though I didn't really realise it. "You have NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH FOR THIS!"

I stood up and descended upon her so that I was only inches away from her face. We were nearly matched in height, though her gigantic mass of curly, dark hair made it appear she was a lot taller than me. She stared at me, her brown eyes wide. "Malfoy," she began, but I cut her off.

"I TOUCHED THE PANTS OF NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, THE BIGGEST CLUMSY PRAT IN THE SCHOOL!" I screamed. "I SAT IN BLAISE ZABINI'S LAP AND SNOGGED HIM, AND HE SLAPPED MY ARSE LIKE I WAS A DISOBEDIENT HOUSE ELF WHILE COLIN CREEVEY CAUGHT IT ALL ON CAMERA! AND- AND! BLAISE HAS BETTER HENCHMEN THEN I DO!" I was flailing my arms now.

Granger's face was morphing from an expression of annoyance to one of great concern, but I couldn't stop.

"I HAD TO STEAL LAVENDER BROWN'S BRA, AND SHE HAS A HUGE ARSE, AND I COULDN'T HANDLE IT! I'VE BEEN HORNY! SO HORNY! SO BLASTED HORNY!" My entire body began to shake. "IT WAS TOO MUCH! I WAS CHASED BY PEEVES, AND SEXUALLY VICTIMIZED BY MOANING MYRTLE! CHO CHANG IS INTO PERVERSE PUBLIC SEX ACTS AND SHE USED ME! POTTER BEAT ME UP! PANSY TRIED TO TRICK ME BY USING HER CURVES! DUMBLEDORE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND SNAPE HAS A PILLOW HE'S NAMED EVAN!"

Granger was silent for a moment. She looked serious. She crossed her arms over her chest again and simply said, "And how is any of this my issue?"

I was unable to handle myself any longer. I grabbed Granger roughly by the hair and yanked her so that her mouth was close to mine. "I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD!" I hollered in her face.

She blinked at me and backed up a pace.

"Every time I wank off lately I think of you, and I can't stand it anymore! I TRIED TO RESIST BUT then I smelled your pants, because Pansy made them seem like they were hers, and I have to have you- I HAVE to-"

Granger was silent for a moment but then she pulled out her wand.

I sprang off her, cowering. "Oh Salazar, and now you're going to curse me-"

"Hush, Malfoy," she said, and pointed her wand at the pile of assorted underwear. It fluttered off the bed in a heap. "I wasn't going to touch any of that with a ten meter broom," she said and then sat down on the edge of my bed.

"Wh-what?" I sputtered.

"I don't care for you at all. I think you're vain, selfish, spoilt and to put it bluntly, vile," she said. "So let's not act like this changes anything." And with that, the Mudblood leaned over just enough to grip me by my waist and yank me toward the bed.


	10. White Snake Moan

**Warning: **Reading on from this point may induce these described side-effects (but not limited to): gasping, yelling, crying, shouting, laughing (hopefully), moaning ( triple hopefully!), sighing, shaking of one's head, and questioning society. (Rated M for a reason- sexy, weird, and goes to wacky places.)

**A/N: **Big thanks to all my reviewers and followers. You are all very, very awesome. This is shaping up to be one of the funnest fics I've written, and I'm enjoying the responses from all of you (and some of us have had some very hysterical conversations as well). I appreciate YOU. Now, here, have some pants and arse-paddlings! Hope you enjoy. ;)

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Chapter Ten: White Snake Moan

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* * *

I fell on top of her, my groin already rubbing between her spread legs which she wrapped around my back tightly. I straddled her, my hands gripping my comforter, trying to keep balance. She held my collar in both her hands and stared me in the face. I gazed down at her in utmost surprise. This was definitely not the Granger I thought I was going to get—this bordered on some of my most disturbing fantasies.

"I thought you were the unrivaled sex god of Slytherin… at least that's what you shouted out last weekend in the Hog's Head, though you did seem slightly tossed at the time, being that after that announcement you stood up on a table and jumped into Millicent Bulstrode's arms. So, what's wrong, Malfoy? Am I too much for you?"

I tried to pull my shit together and put on my most cocky simper. "I suppose I have never had the unpleasant duty of being on top of a filthy little Mudblood." Granger's eyes darkened, and she dug her nails into my back. Salazar, I LOVE when she gets that _you're-a-foul-hideous-bastard_ look in her eye!

At once, I felt my private area begin to stir like a mighty dragon awaking from centuries of slumber. I grabbed her roughly by her hair and lowered my face to her neck, breathing heavily and hotly in her ear. With satisfaction, I heard her breathe a bit harder and she drug her nails down my back. I was rock-hard and ready to do my thing.

"Unpleasant duty?" Granger whispered harshly in my ear. "It seems like the front of your trousers has a different idea about Muggle-borns—"

I laughed cruelly. "Honestly, I'm so horny I would bed anybody right now. Even Eloise Midgen, though I _would _instruct her to put a paper bag over her head beforehand. So don't think you're special—"

"You had your chance with Parkinson, and you didn't take it. So don't even give me that haughty fib—and don't insult Eloise, she's a nice girl!" Granger snapped, and bit me roughly on the earlobe.

I moaned loudly and gritted my teeth, sitting up so I was knelt over her heaving chest. I took her hands in mine and slammed them against the bedpost. She closed her eyes and leant her head back, sighing deeply and wiggling her hips beneath mine.

"My bed. Means I can insult whoever I bloody want," I smirked, and lowered my face down to hers. I kissed her hard on the lips, my stomach doing flip flops the entire time. Her lips were firm and warm—not squishy and wet like Lavender's.

She kissed me back, suckling my top lip with her teeth and fighting against me to let her hands free. I complied, and she grasped me around the neck, ruffling my hair. We deepened the kiss, me slipping my tongue between her teeth, and she curled her tongue out to meet mine. We snogged deeply, lightly touching tongues and gripping each other in a solid embrace, a battle of wills.

She gripped the front of my trousers, and I grunted loudly. "You're so sensitive," she chided, and popped open the front buttons like it was nothing. She slipped her hand in and slid it inside my briefs.

I inadvertently shuddered. Her hand was cool against my hot, throbbing groin. Instantly, I felt myself admit a small trickle of hot liquid. "Not—sensitive," I sputtered," just—so –blasted—urgh—horny—"

"I like you this way, Malfoy," she said, "you're powerless—"

"No, I'm not," I snapped, and set my jaw.

She very lightly touched the tip with her finger.

I whimpered. _"Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh Merlin—"_

She knelt up, spreading my legs so that I was straddling her lap. "Lie down," she said, "I want you to come—"

"Right now? We only just started! And I want to get off with you, I'm sick of wanking off!" I said desperately, as Granger wriggled out from under me. She rolled to the side of me, her tits bouncing slightly. Breathless, I turned on my side so that we were lying on the bed face-to-face. "I want to touch you," I said, and dragged my finger down the front of her skirt, "and then I want to shag you hard and fast and hear you cry out—"

She grabbed my hand away from her and placed it between us. "We can do that after. You _are _capable of getting it up again, aren't you?" I gritted my teeth as she tugged the front of my trousers down even more and slipped her hand back inside my briefs. She cupped me at my base and I groaned.

"What are you going to do?" I sputtered, as she quickened her hand motion. "Granger, I _swear, _I—ah—I want to shag you… Don't make me wait—"

"You can shag me soon enough. But now I'm going to make you come just by blowing you," she said a bit deviously, and pulled my trousers and briefs all the way down. I noticed her looking at my privates in interest. "Do you shave, Malfoy?"

"Waxing charm," I said carelessly. "Pansy and I learnt it together—"

"Should I be concerned about the slightly disturbing nature of you and Parkinson's friendship?" Granger asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Oh yes. But you'll never be quite as concerned as I am," I said. I kicked my trousers off the bed, and the wheels in my head instantly started turning. Sure, it sounded like fun to have the Mudblood choking and sucking on me, but I'd never been able to get off from head alone. Pansy was known to be the expert at blowing by boys from Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, and of course, Slytherin. Even Blaise could sheepishly attest to this fact (don't ask—I think that night involved a lot of mead, too many shots of Firewhiskey, and as usual, some sort of bet). However, to Pansy's annoyance, she'd never once been able to get me off just from that.

Blowjobs felt alright at first, but after awhile I'd start thinking about Potions, or about whether I tasted okay, or about the state of the world, or all the important things I needed to tell my Father, or how obnoxious Potter'd been that day, or about how I really wanted some new designer dragon hide boots. I'd practice curses or I'd stare at the ceiling and rehearse some splendid rude comments to make to people in class. Once, Pansy had spent a good part of an hour working at it, while I jeered at her and told her it would never happen. Tracey was the same, except instead of taking it as a challenge like Pansy, she'd just sob into my shoulder afterward and call herself a failure. And I'd agree. No girl had given me good enough head. I was too poised to come from sub par blow jobs.

So, with all of this running through my mind, I gave Granger a smile. "That sounds good," I began, "but let's say you can't make me come. What will I get?"

She flung back her curly locks. "Bragging rights? I don't know, Malfoy. Why?"

"You hate me. I hate you. So let's make this interesting. If you can do it, I'll leave Potter and Weasley completely alone for a week. No comments, no pranks, no curses, no tricks, nothing."

"_Three_ weeks," she fired back. "Three weeks and you can't do as much as smirk in our direction."

"Two weeks. I'll leave them be for two," I argued. "And if I _don't_ come, you have to help me in Transfigurations for a month. McGonagall's a fussbudget and she constantly treats me unfairly. I want your notes and your help so that I can get a good mark on the next project."

"A month?" Granger burst out. "And you only have to be nice for two weeks? That's unfair—"

"Think about it. You helping me on assignments is WAY easier for you than me ignoring Potter and Weasley—I mean, it'll be nearly impossible, I think my head might explode," I said.

Granger sat down with her legs crisscrossed and contemplated. "I have to admit, you do have a logical point. I suppose it's a deal."

"Fantastic," I sneered, and reclined back again, propping myself up with pillows and lying with my arms behind my head. I was throbbing hard and strong. "It's all yours, Granger." She knelt over me, looked at me, and paused. "Come on, suck me off," I commanded, enjoying every second of this. "_Do it_, Mudblood—"

"Shut it," she said, "you don't get to talk to me like that—"

"_That _wasn't part of the deal," I said with a thin smile. "Come on, Granger. Blow me."

She dug her nails into my thighs—hard. I gritted my teeth. It hurt but it felt blasted _good_. "Shut up, Malfoy," she said. I was about to retort when she crawled between my legs and took me in her hand. She very, very slowly slid her mouth around me so that only the tip was past her lips. She lightly made a circle with her tongue, making a final dot on the sensitive tip.

I squirmed and moaned faintly, watching her frizzy mountain of hair waving around as her head bobbed over my waist. She cupped my balls and took me in a bit deeper. I exhaled and smirked again. "You're going to have to do better than—"

Without warning, Granger opened her agile mouth, the same mouth that spouted so many obnoxious sayings during class, and deep-throated my six inch snake as though it were the easiest task in the entire world.

"—_thaaaaaat," _I managed to cry out and bucked my hips into her mouth, feeling the back of her throat, the wetness of her tongue. "Aargh! Salazar!"

Strange to say it, but Granger was just as astute at knowing how to work her mouth around my serpent as she was knowing how to blabber on about Muggle dentists, friendship, house-elves and homework answers. She wasn't holding back, and interestingly, it seemed she wasn't even really trying to please me. She was going wild, is what she was doing. She made motions with her tongue, and played with my base. She suckled the end and then took it all back in her mouth. I flopped back onto my pillows and ground my teeth hard. She was not romancing Draco Malfoy's special friend—she was punishing him.

Trust me, I had been all geared up for a saccharine, awful blowjob. I'd been ready to laugh in her geeky face and call her names, like I'd done with my other girlfriends. But I had no way to act unaffected. It felt too amazing.

Mere minutes went by, but it felt like longer. She sped up and slowed down in the right places. I gripped my pillows behind my head. Amazingly, I could feel myself approaching that point. I was aching to come and I didn't even want to fight it. Her lips and tongue felt amazing. Pansy and Tracey had been too careful, too by the books. But Granger was giving me hell with her mouth.

She let me out of her mouth and stared up at me, a somewhat wily shimmer in her dark eyes. She wiped her lips carelessly, her curly hair enveloping her thin, rosy cheeks. I hated her face yet I was hard for her. I wanted to shag her. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to buck my hips so hard in her throat that she choked. She was beautiful and formidable to me all at once. "I have to say, Malfoy, I've never seen you speechless before—"

"Don't stop, Granger," I commanded. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I thought you wanted help on your Transfigurations, Malfoy. Should I let you win?" she taunted, her hand on my leg.

I squirmed, shaking my head. "You have to finish me off, Granger. That is, if you can—"

She teased me with her tongue again, only slightly licking the shaft.

"Come on. Hop to it. Let's get this over with—"

Granger slid her mouth back over my member and let her teeth glide very expertly over the head.

"SALAZAR, GRANGER! YOU HAVE TO MAKE MY WHITE SNAKE MOAN!" I hollered.

She really went for it then. She deep-throated me and worked it, grazing me with her teeth and sucking hard. She dug her nails into my leg and held me in her other hand. She used more teeth—I sputtered. She licked the tip—I squealed. I bucked my hips against her throat, and felt that I was nearly there—for an instant I wondered if I'd never come, if I'd be stuck at this insanely intense peak forever. Then, Granger shoved her hands under my arse and gripped my bottom hard with her nails and went deeper. I had no idea that was possible. I gripped my sheets, felt my legs twitching, and I let out a rasping moan.

"Granger, I'm almost there, let me come all over your face—"

"No," she said sharply, looking up.

"Then, let me come on your tits, COME ON—"

"Absolutely not," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Please—I'm close—I'm close—"

She enveloped me in her mouth again, glaring at me as she did so.

I slammed against her throat one final time. _"_Oh, yes—I'm COMING! I'M COMING! GAHHHH!"

She took her mouth off me and sat up on the bed just as I came, hard, into my hand. I whimpered loudly, biting my lip. "Oh…Merlin…Wow," I managed to get out before slumping back on my pillows and sighing loudly. After a moment, I blearily looked up at the first girl who'd gotten me off through the craziest head of my life.

Hermione Mudblood Granger.


	11. Mudblood Pie Ala Mode

A/N: Alright. You've reached further sexcapades. Rated M, just in case you forgot. And please don't forget to review. I see these alerts/favs happening- come on, give a poor sod a review! 'Cause I reallllly enjoyed writing this one. Oh, and btw, the plot thickens after this chapter. You thought Draco would be let off easy?! Ha!

Disclaimer: From here on out, chapters written while listening to copious amounts of sexual R&B and pop songs, and perhaps under the influence of horniness, alcohol or both at times.

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Chapter Eleven: Mudblood Pie Ala Mode

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She was looking at me quizzically. Her wild mane of hair was disheveled. "Really, Malfoy? White snake moan? And did you _really _think I was going to let you use me as a dump station? I don't know how things work for you in Slytherin, but I am not going degrade myself."

I leaned up to grab my wand off my dresser and cleaned myself up with a charm. I flopped back and smiled slightly goofily, hugging my pillow and staring at her. "You just blew me, Granger. I think it's time to accept you know your place. Right beneath my dick."

She glared at me indignantly. "Right. Because I was the one who was just crying and shuddering a few seconds ago."

I closed my eyes and continued to hug my pillow, grinning to myself. My body was still tingling slightly. "I'm not happy with you and I'm not impressed and I hate you," I said softly, and sighed with pleasure.

"Your idiotic smile definitely speaks to that, Malfoy," she observed sarcastically.

I kicked her lightly with my toe. "Fine," I said, and rolled over on my back. "You won. I'll leave your precious Pottie and Weasel alone for two entire weeks."

"Really? I was sure you going to pull some trick like say your fingers at the time," she smiled in a sardonic way, crawling down the bed and lying beside me.

I pretended to be irritated. "Blast! I really should have. I'm getting too nice—"

"Too nice? You don't even know the word," Granger said with a snigger. "So what? Are you going to sleep now?"

I flipped to face her and fingered the hem of her school skirt. "Give me a few minutes to recover and then I'll repay the favor."

"Exciting. Shall I read a book while I wait?"

"Stop being a bitch and hike your skirt up," I told her throatily, and ran my hand up her curvy thigh. Her breath caught in her throat and I chortled darkly. I very lightly ran my finger between her legs and let my pointer finger slightly press through her pants into her privates. "I want to see you touch yourself, you dirty little Mudblood. And then I'm going to make you suffer for making me want you so much."

I was happy to hear her utter a soft moan. I spread out and watched lazily as the Mudblood did just as I said, very slowly hitching up her skirt so that I could see navy blue knickers. Dirty little slag.

"I can't believe I'm turned on, Malfoy," she said vehemently, "but making you shriek and seeing you come very nearly made up for how much of a git you've been all these years. As much as I hate to admit it, you're not bad-looking and I really liked watching you when you were completely entranced with how I was turning you on instead of running your stupid mouth—" She pulled her pants down her smooth legs so that they hung below her thighs, her skirt fanning out over her privates. I watched hungrily as she stuck her hand under there, her breathing growing slightly ragged.

"Let me see." I went to pull up her skirt and she pushed my hand away.

"You can see as soon as you're ready," she instructed, and continued. She closed her eyes, her tongue between her teeth as she moved her hand in and out between her legs.

I lay on my side watching her intently and ran my hand over my shaft. My legs twitched. Granger let out another groan and her arm quickened in pace. Slowly, I ran my fingers over her arms, her shoulders, and made light circles around her nipples with my fingers. She let out a sharp sound and leaned her head back.

"Is that good?" I asked her in a deep, quiet voice.

"It's not bad," she whispered back, her hand making the material of her skirt wave up and down. I scooted closer to her and buried my head in her neck, breathing hotly on her neck. I bit her on the crook of her neck and she moaned, touching herself quicker.

"Put your fingers inside," I whispered into her ear.

"Don't tell me what to do—"

I leaned over her and kissed her hard on the mouth to interrupt her, biting her lips and tasting myself, salty and incredible, on her tongue. Her breathing was uneven and she made a sound of contentment into my mouth. I grabbed her arms and held them down, biting her neck again. "I'm going to take over," I said quietly. Her skin was smooth and she smelled fantastic, something between parchment, flowers and sandalwood. I straddled her legs and tugged up her skirt, revealing her pants. "I'm so sick of these things," I commented, taking them off.

She was definitely fit, though I wasn't exactly used to girls being au naturale. Still, the dark patch of hair covering her privates did not disgust me the way I'd always assumed it would. To my surprise, Granger gave a quiet laugh, and gave me a wide-eyed, reserved expression just before I fingered the spot at the top of her privates. She stretched her shoulders and rolled her head back, moaning. I moved my fingers down and used two to enter her tight void, applying a very fast in-out motion. Granger moaned louder still. I kept it up for several minutes before she grabbed my hand and directed it up.

"Right here," she instructed. "And go fast, please—"

I did as I was told, thumbing that delicate and sensitive area at the crown, and leaned into her to use my fingers inside of her. She cried out, shutting her eyes, and squirmed wildly on my bed. I put in one, two, three… Soon, my entire hand was inside the Mudblood. I flexed my hand, opening it and closing it as I thrust it into her. Gods, she was wet and slick.

"Oh—just like that!" she said loudly, nodding her head enthusiastically and rolling her hips to slam herself against my hand. "Malfoy—keep going— keep going—"

I paused with a smirk on my face. "Use your manners and say please, Granger—"

"Damn it, keep going!" Granger commanded brazenly, bucking her hips.

"I don't want to," I said, feigning boredom.

"Do it, Malfoy!"

"I don't take orders from little Mudbloods," I said icily, removing my hand from inside her and sneering over her torso.

Granger shoved me off her legs and straddled me instead, throwing me off-balance. I stared up at her in appreciation as she scooted herself over my chest. I could feel her wetness moving across my chest and I moaned. "Shut the hell up, Malfoy," she hissed, bestriding my face. Her knees were on either side of my ears and her privates just level with my chin, bumping my nose gently when I leaned up. I seized her roughly by the legs, pulling her skirt against her stomach, and stuck my tongue between her thighs. My pace was quick and I pressed my tongue and face deep into her, making a stabbing motion inside her. I smelled her, tasted her, and enjoyed every moment of it—particularly since her breath was bursting out in giant gasps and she was dropping herself in and out over my tongue_. _

Granger's voice rang out, strong and loud: "I didn't—expect—you—to—be—good—at—this—ahh—I—expecte d—you—to—be—an—anti-oral—misogynistic—little—prick —ooooooooh—"

I went faster, and began to suck her off with an intense eagerness. Her deep breathing turned into loud, long, high-pitched moans. I laughed in a sinister way. "Who says I'm _not_ a misogynistic prick? But I do happen to love a nice tasting twat, Granger, and I have to say, yours isn't half bad—" I buried my face back between her legs and continued to suck her.

She moaned and wrung her hands above my head. "This is so wrong, this is so wrong, this is so wrong—"

I paused, "Yes, well, you can write all about it later." I did a high-pitched imitation of her bossy voice: _"Dear Diary, Granger here. Today I got tongue-fucked by Draco Malfoy and I liked it. Am I going to be executed for treason? I feel SO guilty, diary. Whatever shall I do?" _I stuck a finger inside again.

She alternately moaned and laughed, grinding herself down on me. "Speaking of guilt, you can't be free of it. You're the one who thinks Muggle-borns are inherently impure and disgusting. I may be a bit guilty, but it's only—_ah—_it's only because you're a hateful, cruel person and I—_ohhh—_I can't believe I'm doing this, but it feels—so—bloody—_good_—"

"I allow myself one day a month to feel regret for the awful things I do. I'll address my guilt at that time," I responded, and continued to tongue her. "Snakes, Granger," I said, coming up for air. "Your nasty Mudblood juices are all over my face—"

She arched her eyebrows down at me, her facial expression somewhat mystified. "How is it? How is it eating out a Mudblood, Malfoy?" she asked quietly, as though testing a boundary.

"I hate to admit it, but it's bloody terrific," I said, smacking my lips before burrowing my head back in between her legs.

"_Oh, my God…" _Granger leaned over my head, using the wall for balance as she bounced on top of me. "_Fingers," _she managed to get out,_" fingers!"_

I was beginning to get in the zone again as I stuck two more inside her and sucked the sensitive area at the crown of her privates, enjoying the sound of her loud, lengthy exclamations of enjoyment. I moaned sharply into her, and sensing my turned-on state, she leaned back to roll one hand up and down my shaft. My breath caught sharply in my throat as I licked her with a vengeance, craning my neck to get a better angle.

"Stop_," _she burst out, "I'm close—I'm close, but I have to do it myself—"

"Nonsense, I'm almost there, I want to get you off and shag you, Granger. Just give me a few minutes—"

She looked down at me with a stern expression. "Malfoy, seriously. I know my body far better than you ever will. I want to come now, and I have to do it myself." With that, she took me by the chin and gently forced my head down on the pillow. I put my hands behind my head and stared up at her, enjoying having her straddling my chest.

She used one hand to touch herself and the other to rub me. Her breathing grew quicker as I watched and moaned. Minutes later, she took her hand off my snake and put a finger inside herself as she continued to play with her clit. "Yes!" she cried out. "I'm almost there!"

"Come for me, Mudblood," I said. "Let's see you come." I worked my hand down to my groin and fiddled with myself as I watched her. She looked so powerful and attractive perched above me.

She kept eye contact with me until she let out a high-pitched sound and rocked her hips against my chest. _"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh!" _She let out a content sigh.

I grinned as she moved off me and sat beside me on the bed. "Granger, I would have _never _taken you for a screamer. All that _'inside voices in the hallways' _and _'please be quiet, people are studying here!' _rubbish threw me off."

She swatted me but I was pleased to see she was blushing a bit. "Yes, well, I never thought you'd actually know how to do anything like that… I don't even want to ask how you got practice—"

-"And _I'd_ rather not think about it," I said delicately. "To be honest, all I want to think about is fucking you. Right now. Right here. Right on my bed."

"Are you sure you have the energy?" she quipped, but before she could get out another snotty word, I grabbed her around the waist and flipped her back onto my pillows. She laughed, out of breath.

I smirked into her mouth. "And who have _you _practiced on, Granger? Obviously you're not the antisocial little prude I thought you were."

"I may have some experience," she said, stroking me where I was getting hard, "but truth be told, I owe a lot to this Muggle thing called _the Internet._"

"The Internet," I moaned, with a curious expression. "And what does one do with this so-called Internet?"

"I don't even know where to begin. But let's just say you can learn a lot on it, there's endless amounts of pornography, and it would possibly ruin you for life, Malfoy."

"I like the pornography part," I said. "But I suppose I didn't think girls like you looked at dirty things like that."

Granger rolled her eyes. "This is precisely why blokes like you have so many dim-witted pre-conceived notions about female sexuality!"

"Whatever, nerd. So, can The Internet do this?" I asked, and pinned her to the bed. I bit her neck hard and she let out a sharp moan.

"It can," she said, "and you're not going to think of anything it can't do so stop being cute and just get to it, Malfoy!"

I began to grind myself between her legs through her skirt, making hard imprints on her neck. I could angle it so I was getting a very solid preview of what being inside her would feel like. I worked my groin inside the wedge of her legs and began to thrust into her through the material of her skirt. Granger grit her teeth. "Are you going to actually shag me or just play around?"

"Impatient," I sneered. "Are you allowed to speak to me like that?"

"Seriously," she said, locking eyes with me. "I want to feel you inside me."

I grinned and laughed in a low tone, thrusting her again, really grinding into her. I gripped her by the hair. "And I want to put it in you, Granger."

Her breathing quickened and she gripped the blanket as I breathed in her ear. "Are you ready for me?" I asked.

"Beyond ready," she said in a quiet voice. "Let's fuck, Malfoy."

"What did you say?" I grabbed her curly hair in my palm.

"I said, please, let's fuck," she said, her soft voice sending shivers down my spine. She shut her eyes tight and began grinding against my hard member. She began to tug her skirt down, and I readily helped her.

"_I like seeing you naked_," I said in an obnoxious sing-song voice. "_You are naked in my bed. And I get to shag you_."

She laughed. "You're too much. How do you even face yourself?"

I ignored her, instead playing with myself until I was again rock-hard. "I'm ready for you, Granger. Let me put my cock inside you and fuck you, you indecent little Mudblood," I said.

She nodded, shivering, as I tore her skirt down and spread her legs apart.

"I can't wait to be inside you," I said. I was spreading her lips and working my head toward her hole when suddenly Granger sat up and pushed me away.

"WAIT!" she burst out. "ARE YOU INSANE?"

I stared at her in horror. "What _now?"_

* * *

**To Be Continued. **


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